This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
THE SITUATION:
You are in
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
THE TEST:
Suddenly, you see a woman in the water.
She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer... Somehow, the woman looks familiar...
You suddenly realize who it is... It's Hillary Clinton! You notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.
You have two options: You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women!
THE QUESTION:
Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Saturday, May 31, 2008
The Question...
Language Problems
Friday, May 30, 2008
The Kitchen Bitch
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,
"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.."
The Magic of Elevators
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
Thursday, May 29, 2008
what do you want to be when you grow up
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
A Bible,
A silver dollar,
A bottle of whisky and
A Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do
you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on
her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself
beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
* ; * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the
10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the
policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little
Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Jewish Mother
"Mama, I got married." "Mazel Tov," says Mama.
"I might as well tell you, Mama, he's not of our Faith."
"So he's a goy. But am I prejudiced?"
"But, Mama, he's also black."
"So he's a schvartzeh. By me, everybody should be tolerant."
"Well, frankly, Mama, he's also unemployed."
"So, you'll support him. A wife should help her husband."
"But, Mama, we have no place to live."
"Don't worry,
"But Mama, you have only one bedroom."
"That's okay. You and your husband can have the bedroom."
"Yes, Mama, but where will you and Papa sleep?"
"Papa can sleep on the couch in the living room."
"Yes, Mama, but where will *you* sleep?"
"
"The minute I get off the phone...I'm going to drop dead."
LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.) Dear Ma and Pa, I am
well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps
beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No
hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but
kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the
two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til
noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk
much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks
to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city
guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school
teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and
colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing I keep getting medals
for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the
Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they
break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm
about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in
Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but
I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Carol
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Pay up or lose it
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
Puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?""Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.""I don't believe you,"says Dolly."It's true," exclaims Daisy, "no bull!"
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)
.... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Have you ever wondered what idiots look like?
Have you ever wondered
what idiots look like?
Yes, that's a power cord
floating on flip flops.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Never leave your nuts alone!
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his
patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond
to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite
well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled,
"Up, Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down, Nuts," and they
all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer,
Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against
the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo,
Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to
go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in
charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,
"What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied,
"Well everything was going just fine
until this guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS!"
Our gr8 Government
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in viol ation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2007.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/06 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building mat erials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lake s and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2007? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then: and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
Israeli personal ads
These are supposed to be actual Personal Ads from Israeli newspapers:
Shmuel Gabbai, 36.
I take out the Torah Saturday morning.
Would like to take you out Saturday night.
Please write POB 81.
Couch potato latke in search
of the right applesauce.
Let's try it for 8 days.
Who knows?
POB 43
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul
light shabbos candles,
celebrate holidays,
build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs -
Religion not important.
POB 658
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get
or can get get.
Get it?
I'll show you mine
if you show me yours.
POB 72.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27, enjoys Yom Kippur,
Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalia,
Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar b'Tammuz.
Seeks companion for living life in the 'fast' lane.
POB 90.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos.
Seeks same in woman.
POB 43.
Nice Jewish guy, 38.
No skeletons.
No baggage.
No personality.
POB 76
Female graduate student,
studying kaballah, Zohar,
exorcism of dybbuks,
seeks mensch.
No weirdos, please.
POB 56.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles,
Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
POB 787.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open
your heart to, share your innermost thoughts
and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand
your insecurities. No fatties, please
POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made, looking for girl
whose father will hire me.
POB 43
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvrer such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Before & After Marriage...
A Rabbi's Wisdom
A Rabbi's son had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father about use of the family car.
His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father about his use of the car. The rabbi said, "Son, I am very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The y ou ng man replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The Rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Famous Indian Tribe
'Oh, what is that, Doctor?'
'Well, you have no nipples.'
'None of the people in my tribe have nipples' she replied.
'That is amazing,' said the doctor, 'I'd like to write this up for The
She said , 'OK.'
'First of all' asked the doctor, 'how many people are in your tribe?'
She answered, 'Approximately 500.'
'And what is the name of your tribe?' asked the doctor. *
Running Doe replied, 'We're called ...... ;
'The Indiannippleless Five Hundred'
A letter to my rabbi
Dear Rabbi,
As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!'
So, I did..........
I won't be in Shul Friday night.
Favor...
Thanks a lot....I'll send you a postcard.
I've attached a photo for your reference.
THE LADDER IS IN THE GARAGE
Racism??
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you?
Would you?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
"Well, I probably wouldn't..." replied the clerk.
With deep, self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
Friday, May 23, 2008
EEOC IMPORTANT NOTICE
5 Questions...
FINALLY,THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q : WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: The same as a French kiss, but "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it 'Goodyear'.
Q : WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
BONUS
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
Answer:
Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Dues
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you".
The old man says without hesitation, " I now pronounce you ma n and wife."
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detectiv e replied. "A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS"
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care