I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I found in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse………………………..
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
SILK PAJAMAS
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends to go fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend, but this is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a three-day weekend...and also get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 this afternoon from the office and I'll swing by the house to pick my things up."
The wife tells him that she'll do it, and he hangs up.
A few minutes later, he calls back and says, "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike. But, Honey, why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replied, "I did pack them; they're in your tackle box."
The wife tells him that she'll do it, and he hangs up.
A few minutes later, he calls back and says, "Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish.
He says, "Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike. But, Honey, why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
The wife replied, "I did pack them; they're in your tackle box."
Colonoscopies
A physician claims that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately males) while he was performing their colonoscopies. Okay, just bend over, grab your ankles and enjoy! Hehehe!
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
The Jewish Peddler
The Jewish Peddler, Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a ribbon salesman, has been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to Macy's for many years.
Lately, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-Semitic buyer.
"Goldstein," the buyer says, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."
Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer goes ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells, "What's going on??? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four truck loads full of it!
Goldstein replies calmly: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."
Lately, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-Semitic buyer.
"Goldstein," the buyer says, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis."
Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive up to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer goes ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells, "What's going on??? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four truck loads full of it!
Goldstein replies calmly: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Married Humor
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? "Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? "Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
The Letter:
A letter was left on the dining room table:
My dear wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.
When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
My dear wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54-year-old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.
When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.
Traffic...
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks,"What happened? What's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon."
Concrete workers (pic)
These men are concreting solid steel pillars to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a sports bar downtown. They are cleaning up at the end of the day.
How long do you think it will be before they realize where their vehicle is parked?
How long do you think it will be before they realize where their vehicle is parked?
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack...
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack...
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Do you have a vagina?
A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams the door again
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again' The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
Do you have vagina' 'Yes' she says The man replies. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again' The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
Do you have vagina' 'Yes' she says The man replies. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'
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