Alarm Clock (vid)

Dropped something (vid)

Kid Drummer (vid)

Smell it Please.. (vid)

Help with Map (vid)

This is an Incredible story

>

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

An Italian boy's confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now 'Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarell

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads !!!!

Car accident on Camera (vid)

Theres what in the toilet??? (vid)

Guess Whats in da box (vid)

Twins (pic)

Keep the Cow Where??? (vid)

New From DeWalt

Originally designed to help in the rebuilding of New Orleans . Patent pending, must use US made nails, and must be above age 18 to purchase. Coupon available for free nails when purchased at Home Depot.

New from DeWalt: The NEW 16D Rapidfire Nail Gun

New nail gun, made by Dewalt. It can drive a 16D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze; you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get the wife and kids to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink, when they have the board in the right place just fire away. With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.

After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to fix or build anything else

Motivational Poster - Unique (pic)

Motivational Poster - This (pic)

Motivational Poster - Teamwork (pic)

Motivational Poster - Survival (pic)

Motivational Poster - Stereotypes (pic)

Motivational Poster - Rock Bottom (pic)

Motivational Poster - Insppiration (pic)

Motivational Poster - Envy (pic)

Motivational Poster - Creativity (pic)

Motivational Poster - Domestic Violence (pic)

Motivational Poster - Coolness (pic)

Motivational Poster - Blending In (pic)

Motovational Poster - Birth Control (pic)

Want Milk With That? (vid)

Stupid Dog (vid)

Getting Divorced (vid)

Broke Finger (vid)

Helping out around the house... (vid)

Another Ikea ad (vid)

One More Ikea ad (vid)

GR8 Ikea Ad (vid)

WTF?? Olympic Try out... (vid)

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with an expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.

Well, hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him exactly what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid arguement.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Big Words

Three former kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.'You need to use big people words,' she'd always remind them.
She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.
'I went to visit my Nana.'
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!'
She then asked Joey what he had done.
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.' he said.
'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!'
She then asked Eddie what he had done.
'I read a book' he replied.
'That's wonderful' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride
and said, 'Winnie The Shit'.

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says Bud .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.'

Negotiate (vid)

Iranian Jew

A Iranian Jew wants to immigrate to Israel.

The local Imman calls him in for questioning: 'Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in your synagogue?'

'Can't complain.'

'Haven't we let you live in peace with your fellow Iraninans?'

'Can't complain.'

'Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within and beyond the village?'

'Can't complain.'

'Haven't we let you practice your profession?'

'Can't complain.'

'Then why do you want to go to Israel?'

'Because over there I CAN complain!

Accident... (vid)

Good Biker (vid)

Interesting Ad (vid)

Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!!

Blonde Joke

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the Heck?', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!' I said, 'Great. Tell me why You're so happy.' She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more!' I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?' She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!' Amazed At how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how sheKnew. She said....

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a Home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

Gun Control (vid)

Bar Tender (vid)

Yellow Snow (vid)

Judge Judy (vid)

Jump (vid)

Honey I;m Home... (vid)

Hit the Pinyata (vid)

Ketchup (vid)

How to use fake ID (vid)

Strong Ass (vid)

How Long Could You Hold Your Breath (vid)

Hug me (vid)

Ikea Style (vid)

Want my Dog?? (vid)

She's What?? (vid)

Ooops (vid)

IE 7 Ad (Vid)

Cow Trouble... (vid)

Interesting Race (vid)

Good Insurance?? (vid)

Sure you took everything from the room? (vid)

Time?? (vid)

Speak English?? (vid)

Great Artist (vid)

Great Movie Line (vid)

Walking on Water (vid)

Drunk Blonde (vid)

Dwarf Fight (vid)

And the winner is... (vid)

EYE Fi (vid)

Oooops (vid)

How not to get ou of a helicoptor!! (vid)

WARNING MIGHT BE A BIT DISTURBING...

Fairy Tale Ending... (vid)

Doing What in Where?? (vid)

Jumping Car.. (vid)

HELP!!! (vid)

Fire (pic)

New fire escape system.. (vid)

Greek Party (vid)

Gr8 Beer Comercial (vid)

Google Maps Ad (vid)

Dont Cut Lines... (vid)

Fart Scanner (vid)

Fire Fight in Iraq (vid)

Family Guy Mobster (vid)

Family Guy Fart Off (vid)

Cheating Wife (vid)

Cheating Hudband (vid)

Bathroom Vid

Osama Speech (vid)

Why some people shouldnt be allowed to drive (vid)

Watch where your walking... (vid)

One last Bud (vid)

Yup another Bud (vid)

Wanna Play Golf?? (vid)

Lakewood Accident!!! LOL (vid)

And yet Another Bud (vid)

And Another Bud (vid)

Another Bud (vid)

Gr8 Bud Commercial (vid)

Boo (vid)

New Fax Machine (vid)

Anooying friend (vid)

A day without Jews ( vid)

Hebrew beer (vid)

Time to move out!!!! (vid)

Super Cop (vid)

Dont Cheat... (vid)

Car Ad (vid)

Plane Crashes (vid)

Smart Kid... (vid)

Make up artist in the future

School Bag in the Future (pic)

Exercise in the future (pic)

Really Sucks... (vid)

Not Funny (vid)

Rejected Mail (vid)

Check the car first... (vid)

Do not try this at home... (vid)

Bad Day... Part 3 (vid)

Bad Day... Part 2 (vid)

Bad Day... Part 1 (vid)

Nice Accidents (vid)

Disturbing DO NOT WATCH IF YOU DONT LIKE GORY

Bad search of perp:

Taking baby for a walk??? (vid)

Parking Ticket... Part 2 (vid)

Parking ticket... part 1 (vid)

Revenge (vid)

Nice Moves... (vid)

Senior Romance

This is the story of two elderly people living in a mobile home park in Florida .

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper at the Club House. The widower and the widow went with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening and spirits were high.

The widower sent a few admiring glances across the table and the widow smiled coyly back at him.

Finally he plucked up his courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes, Yes I Will."

The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective homes.

The next morning the widower was troubled.

Did she say Yes or did she say No?

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.

First he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her:

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

"Why you silly man, I said Yes Yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued.......................

"And I am so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me."

Questions that haunt someone...

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

---

Can you cry under water?

---

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

---

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

---

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

---

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

---

What disease did cured ham actually have?

---

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

---

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

---

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

---

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

---

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

---

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

---

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

---

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

---

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

---

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

---

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

---

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

---

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

---

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

---

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

---

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

---

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

---

New Airline Rules

NEW AIRLINE RULES

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B.. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5.

It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy.

Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit,

And fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal.

And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee..

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the

Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge.

It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter?

What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

Name is what??

Army Medical

When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the Army.

At the induction physical, the medical doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.

What chart doc?' the young man asked.

'The one on the wall!' The doctor said.

'What wall?'

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to strip and walk in naked. 'What do you see now son?'

' Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm blind as a bat.'

'Well, you may not see anything,' the doctor said, 'but your dick is pointing straight toward Fort Campbell !!

'Pack your bags and welcome to the U.S. Army my boy.

Italian Bike Show (vid)

Beer Brothers

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

An Inspiring Picture.....

It is amazing that this photo, taken so many years ago, actually still exists!

And now someone has put it online for all of us to see. This INCREDIBLE picture was taken in 1918.

It is 18,000 men preparing for war at a training camp at Camp Dodge in Iowa .

His side vs her side

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.




'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock', the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

Bathtub test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how
do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window or the door?'

Hungry at the 2008 Olympics?? (pics)

When your wife doesnt listen... (vid)

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of
a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened
again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw
an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This
went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached
her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give
some of it to the church'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure
you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for
a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession,
but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where
does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in
Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

Painting Job... (vid)

Why I didnt Make the Olympics (vid)

Female Drivers (vid)

Israeli Kinesset in session... (vid)

Weather Ebonics

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn 't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand. I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!