Cool Facts

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to
beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have
"the rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase........."goodnight, sleep tight."
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the ;wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

----------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Signs

Anesthesiologist business card:

When you care enough to sleep with the very best.

**************************************

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit please back in.'

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed'

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

'7 days without God makes one weak.'

**************************

At a Tire Shop inMilwaukee :

'Invite us to your next blowout.'

**************************

At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

'Let us remove your shorts.'

**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:

'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

'Push. Push. Push.'

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff'

**************************

On a Fence:

'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'

**************************

At the Electric Company

'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be.'

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

ChicagoRadiator Shop:

'Best place in town to take a leak

The 10 year wait

Marvin and Kate were clearing the old clothes from their closet. "Hey,
look what I found in the pocket of one of your suits!" Kate called out,
holding a claim ticket in her hand.

"What is that?" asked Marvin.

"Apparently, you left some shoes for repair at the shop around the
corner.....10 years ago."

"You don't say." Marvin looked over the ticket. "I often wondered what
happened to those shoes. Do you think they're still there?"

"I doubt it," Kate said.

"I've got nothing to lose at this point. I'll just ask about them."

Marvin walked into the shop wearing his best poker face. He placed the
ticket on the counter and said "I'm here to pick up some shoes."

"Oh my, these have been here a while," the shoe repair man said after
checking the ticket. "I hope we still have them." He walked into a back
room and began rummaging through some boxes. "Hey," he called out.
"They're still here!"

"I can't believe it! That's incredible," said Marvin.

The shoe repairman returned to the counter holding a pair of dusty
shoes. "Yep, still got 'em. They'll be ready for you next Thursday."

This isn't true... but someone has a good imagination!!!

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads



Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.


Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.


So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.


And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.


So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Pro cess and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?' you may be exactly right.


Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:


When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.


So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.


And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else!!

The Clintons Memoirs

Dear Friends:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the
committee to raise $5,000,000.00 for a monument of
Hillary Clinton 's heroic stand under Bosnian sniper
fire.

We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore
until we discovered there was not enough room for two
more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary Clinton
in the Washington , DC Hall Of Fame. We are having a
bit of difficulty as to where the statue should be
placed. It was not proper to place it beside the
statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or
beside Jesse Jackson who never told the
truth, since Hillary Clinton could never tell the
difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher
Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left
not knowing where he was going, and when he got there
he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing
where he had been, and did it all on someone else's
money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have
anything left after taxes, we expect a generous
contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thank you,
Hillary Clinton Monument Committee


P.S. The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.


P.P.S And another thing ... Now let me get this
straight. Bill Clinton is getting $12 Million for his
memoirs. His wife Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for memories from two people, who
for eight years repeatedly testified, under oath, that
they couldn't remember anything.


God Bless America !

Three Things to Ponder:

Three Things to Ponder:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

Teenage sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied . "The rest are for your father."

Birthday Reminder

This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Fired Workers

'THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH!' (pic)

This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures.

The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed. The materials
were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they made the customer sign awaiver. While the plywood and 2X4's are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains (are you ready for this?) 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.

And these people VOTE!

Ad of the Year -very funny (pic)

Affairs

The 1st Affair:
>
> A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
>
> One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
>
> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
>
> He put on his shoes and drove home.
>
> "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
>
> "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
>
> "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
>
> The 2nd Affair:
>
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
>
> They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
>
> The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
>
> The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
>
> He was horrified at the ug liest child he had ever seen.
>
> He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
>
> The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
>
> The 3rd Affair:
>
> A mortician was working late one night.
>
> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
>
> "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
>
> So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
>
> "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
>
> "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
>
>
> The 4th Affair:
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
>
> "Hu rry," she said, "stand in the corner."
>
> She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
>
> "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
>
> "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
>
> "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
>
> No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
>
> Around 2 am. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
>
> "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
> The 5th Affair:
>
> A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and
> ordered a beer.
>
> "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
>
> "One Cent?" the man thought.
>
> He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
>
> "A nickel," the barman replied.
>
> "A nickel?" exclaimed the man, "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
>
> The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
>
> The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
>
> The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
>
> The 6th Affair:
>
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
>
> He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
>
> "There's no need to," his wife replied.
>
> "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
>
> "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Beggars

Two beggars are standing side by side on a street in Rome. One is standing in front of a cross, the other in front of a star of David. Many people walk by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar standing in front of the Cross. A priest comes by and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar in front of the cross, but none give to the beggar in front of the star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar in front of the star of David and says "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a catholic country. People are not going to give you money if you are standing in front of the star of David, especially when you're standing right next to a beggar that has a cross. In fact, they would probably give extra to him just to spite you!"

The beggar with the Star of David listens to the priest, and then turns to the beggar with the cross and says "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!".

Tenjooberrymuds

You may need a little patience, but read slowly and laugh for a while!

We do live in America, Right?????

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!!; I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... Rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do don't you!

Redneck Tank Top

It might take you a minute--I think now I can say--'I've seen it all'

Redneck tank top...seen recently at a tractor pull.

Look Closely!!

A Few Beers

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be"?

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "So am I!"

"Sure and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going"?

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate"?

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!"

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian"?

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Jewish Computer

1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with a 'Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!' button.

2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?'

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.'

6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'

7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes 'Schloffen.'

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives--one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!' corner.

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!'

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

16) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.'

17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People--

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can never be pregnant.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks and engines. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel, "

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"





Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."



Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."



Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.



Lesson 4:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: " Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.



Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Swearing at work boosts team sprit, morale:

Regular swearing at work can help boost team spirit among staff, allowing them to

express better their feelings as well as develop social relationships, according to a study

by researchers.

Yehuda Baruch, a professor of management at the University of East Anglia, and

graduate Stuart Jenkins studied the use of profanity in the workplace and assessed its

implications for managers.

They assessed that swearing would become more common as traditional taboos are

broken down, but the key appeared to be knowing when such language was appropriate

and when to turn to blind eye.

The pair said swearing in front of senior staff or customers should be seriously

discouraged or banned, but in other circumstances it helped foster solidarity among

employees and express frustration, stress or other feelings.

"Employees use swearing on a continuous basis, but not necessarily in a negative,

abusive manner," said Baruch, who works in the university's business school in Norwich.

Banning swear words and reprimanding staff might represent strong leadership, but

could remove key links between staff and impact on morale and motivation, he said.

"We hope that this study will serve not only to acknowledge the part that swearing plays

in our work and our lives, but also to indicate that leaders sometimes need to 'think

differently' and be open to intriguing ideas.

"Managers need to understand how their staff feel about swearing. The challenge is to

master the 'art' of knowing when to turn a blind eye to communication that does not meet

their own standards."

The study, "Swearing at work and permissive leadership culture: when anti-social

becomes social and incivility is acceptable", is published in the latest issue of the

Leadership and Organizational Development Journal.

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
;
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December ; ; ;
Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"



(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Why Why Why

Why, Why, Why???

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when the y know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a
beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear

helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If pe ople evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why d o we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the h eat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. I've done my job and sent this email to you , now it's up to you to send it on.

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

An airline story........

A plane flying from Seattle to San Francisco was unexpectedly diverted to Sacramento .

The flight attendant announced a delay, recommending that passengers who wanted to get off the aircraft the plane re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one blind lady whose Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her .

The pilot approached and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:




All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story... Have a great day and remember...


THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Retirement Plan

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have
$36.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, You would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

BETTER TREAT YOUR SPOUSE RIGHT............

BETTER TREAT YOUR SPOUSE RIGHT............



WIFE FROM HELL



A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I

clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."



The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps

your radar gun needs calibrating."



Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly

dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."



As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife

and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"



The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar

detector went off when it did."



As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar

detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched

teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"



The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your

seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."



The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it

off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my

back pocket."



The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your

seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver

turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"



The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always

talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking."

Truth be known............................

Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest_expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT

Absolute best Joke of the Month:

Two women were sitting together, quietly.