A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral to it. The next day the kids came back andone by one began telling their stories.
Most of them were the usual "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or"don't count your chickens before they're hatched," variety until the teacher asked little Michael to tell his story.
"My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen," he began.
"Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 2 bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"
Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
" Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Aunt Emma
A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old lady died.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years. His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years. His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!
Ahkmed the Arab
Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick!"
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick!"
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Blondes
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said; "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" She hung up. The husband asked; "who was that?" The wife answered; "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and bends down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says "Let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out to buy a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says "OK, what's the capital of Arkansas?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: A."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was all about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said: "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Seventh Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."
A BONUS
A woman was walking along a creek and saw a blonde walking on the other bank. She called over to the blonde, "Hey, how do I cross over to the other side?" The blonde replied, "You ARE on the other side!"
------
How can you tell if a blonde has used your computer? There's whiteout on the monitor screen.
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said; "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" She hung up. The husband asked; "who was that?" The wife answered; "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and bends down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says "Let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out to buy a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says "OK, what's the capital of Arkansas?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: A."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was all about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said: "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Seventh Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."
A BONUS
A woman was walking along a creek and saw a blonde walking on the other bank. She called over to the blonde, "Hey, how do I cross over to the other side?" The blonde replied, "You ARE on the other side!"
------
How can you tell if a blonde has used your computer? There's whiteout on the monitor screen.
Only Son
Rabbi Greenberg is sitting alone in the sanctuary of his synagogue-- crying. He is clutching a prayer book in his hands and a closely written sheet of paper; tears are streaming down his upturned face, and sobs heave from him tearingly.
"Why, Lord?" he cries out. "Why did this have to happen? How could my son, my ONLY son, destroy me like this? My--my only son--he converted to Christianity!"
And a great voice booms down from the heavens: "YOURS, TOO?"
"Why, Lord?" he cries out. "Why did this have to happen? How could my son, my ONLY son, destroy me like this? My--my only son--he converted to Christianity!"
And a great voice booms down from the heavens: "YOURS, TOO?"
Prayers
A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics.
After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.
Well, little kids don't always realize that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy."
The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.
That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighborhood and became breakfast.
The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence. But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it.
As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top. That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father."
The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified.
Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute. When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious.
He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed.
She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"
After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.
Well, little kids don't always realize that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy."
The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.
That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighborhood and became breakfast.
The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence. But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it.
As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top. That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father."
The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified.
Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute. When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious.
He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed.
She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"
Horse Racing
While a preacher was trying to raise money for his parish, he found out there was a great deal of money to be made in the horse racing business.
To his dismay, he discovered at the horse auction that the prices of horses were too steep and all he could afford was a donkey, which he bought.
Determined to make money for his parish, he entered his donkey in a race and to everyone's surprise finished third.
The next day, the newspaper headline read: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The following week the preacher again entered the race and this time won!
The newspaper headline read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
Annoyed by this kind of publicity, the preacher's Bishop suggested that the preacher not continue this activity.
The headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
After reading the paper the Bishop demanded that the preacher get rid of the donkey.
The preacher gave the donkey to a Nun in the local convent.
The headlines read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
When he recovered from the shock, the Bishop ordered the nun to sell the donkey.
When it was discovered that the Nun sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00 the headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
To his dismay, he discovered at the horse auction that the prices of horses were too steep and all he could afford was a donkey, which he bought.
Determined to make money for his parish, he entered his donkey in a race and to everyone's surprise finished third.
The next day, the newspaper headline read: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The following week the preacher again entered the race and this time won!
The newspaper headline read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
Annoyed by this kind of publicity, the preacher's Bishop suggested that the preacher not continue this activity.
The headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
After reading the paper the Bishop demanded that the preacher get rid of the donkey.
The preacher gave the donkey to a Nun in the local convent.
The headlines read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
When he recovered from the shock, the Bishop ordered the nun to sell the donkey.
When it was discovered that the Nun sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00 the headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
Monday, August 6, 2007
Vacation
Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Grace got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Grace got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Grace with me..."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Grace with me..."
Catholic Hospital Stay
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Bates I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing by and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Bates I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing by and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???
Don't worry
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.
If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.
Irish Drunks
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland ," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland ."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland ?"
" Dublin ," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to
Dublin ."
"Of course."
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland ," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland ."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland ?"
" Dublin ," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to
Dublin ."
"Of course."
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"
Cheap...
Molly and Abe had just left a party and Molly was driving them home. She makes a few turns and then is on a street that is headed down hill when she realizes her brakes are not working. Molly is pressing the brake pedal as hard as she can, but to no avail. The car continues to gather speed.
"Oy Vey," she wails, "Abe, what should I do, what should I do?"
"For God's sake," Abe screams. "Hit something cheap!"
"Oy Vey," she wails, "Abe, what should I do, what should I do?"
"For God's sake," Abe screams. "Hit something cheap!"
Divorce
It was a bitterly contested divorce hearing, and after three weeks of bitter acrimony, the judge was ready to hand down his decision.
The judge said, "Mr. Johnson, after hearing both sides of the case, we find that you are at fault, and therefore the court will give your wife alimony at six hundred dollars a month."
Johnson replied, "Thanks, your Honor. And to show I'm not such a bad guy, I'll throw in a hundred myself."
The judge said, "Mr. Johnson, after hearing both sides of the case, we find that you are at fault, and therefore the court will give your wife alimony at six hundred dollars a month."
Johnson replied, "Thanks, your Honor. And to show I'm not such a bad guy, I'll throw in a hundred myself."
Kids
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!
Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!
Shredder
The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary walking by asked.
"Yes," he replied "how do you work this thing?"
"Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder.
"Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out?
"Need some help?" a secretary walking by asked.
"Yes," he replied "how do you work this thing?"
"Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder.
"Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out?
Bulletproof
The speaker at the bank's drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and the tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with their frustrated customers.
One day a sweet elderly lady who would come every week pulled up to the window, leaned out, and smacked the glass in front of the teller's face. "I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled.
There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so the teller was touched by her concern. "It is," She yelled back.
"Good," she continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that speaker fixed!"
One day a sweet elderly lady who would come every week pulled up to the window, leaned out, and smacked the glass in front of the teller's face. "I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled.
There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so the teller was touched by her concern. "It is," She yelled back.
"Good," she continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that speaker fixed!"
$5000
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000. in a safety competition . "What are you going to do with the prize money" the officer asked. "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license" answered the driver. At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in "Officer don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk". This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop blurted out "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car". A split second later there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "are we over the border yet?".
ID ten T error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten Terror? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten Terror? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
Speeding
A middle-aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a New York State Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and floored it some more, flying down the road at over 100mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man."Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 13 minutes and today is Friday the thirteenth. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper, and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.
"The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day, sir."
He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a New York State Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.
"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and floored it some more, flying down the road at over 100mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man."Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 13 minutes and today is Friday the thirteenth. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper, and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.
"The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day, sir."
Baby Planes
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask thef light attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask thef light attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."
Lessons?
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladiesare hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't
One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead
The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't
One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead
Friday, August 3, 2007
Short? Tall?
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, 'bout One-sixty-five." he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"Oh, 'bout six feet," he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, durnit, I'm short and fat!"
"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, 'bout One-sixty-five." he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"Oh, 'bout six feet," he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, durnit, I'm short and fat!"
Mexican Earthquake
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
The European community is sending food and money.
The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
The European community is sending food and money.
The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America
Customer Service
If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBan k: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBan k: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure."
( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
Math Proficiency Exam
LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL
MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________
1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought f or $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit ?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how much tagging can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang.. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!
NAME____________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________
1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?
2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought f or $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit ?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how much tagging can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang.. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
Beer Quotes:
Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.
-- W.C. Fields
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-- Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Gale
-- Babe Ruth
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.
-- W.C. Fields
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-- Professor Irwin Corey
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Gale
2nd opinion
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rarec ondition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left thehospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit.
"The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself inthe mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
"New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left thehospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit.
"The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself inthe mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
"New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Interview
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for USA visa.
Consul : what is you name
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex ?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean , Male or Female ?
Arab : both male & female & sometime even Camels
Consul : Holy Cow!!
Arab : Yes, Cows & dogs too!!!!
Consul : man...... isn't it hostile ?
Arab : Horse Style, dog style , any style.
Consul : Oh........ Dear !!
Arab : Deeer ? No deeer, they run too fast!!!
Consul : what is you name
Arab : Abdul Aziz
Consul : Sex ?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul : I mean , Male or Female ?
Arab : both male & female & sometime even Camels
Consul : Holy Cow!!
Arab : Yes, Cows & dogs too!!!!
Consul : man...... isn't it hostile ?
Arab : Horse Style, dog style , any style.
Consul : Oh........ Dear !!
Arab : Deeer ? No deeer, they run too fast!!!
BEST TOAST
Morris Cohen hoisted his schnapps glass and said,
"Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"
That won him the top prize at the club for the "best toast of the night"!
He went home and told his wife, Barbara, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "That's nice. . . And what was your toast?"
Morris said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in shul (synagogue) beside my wife." "Oh Morris, that is very nice indeed!" Barbara said.
The next day, Barbara ran into one of Morris's club buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Morris won the prize the other night at the club with a toast about you, Barbara."
She said, "Sure, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time, on Yom Kippur, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!!!"
"Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"
That won him the top prize at the club for the "best toast of the night"!
He went home and told his wife, Barbara, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "That's nice. . . And what was your toast?"
Morris said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in shul (synagogue) beside my wife." "Oh Morris, that is very nice indeed!" Barbara said.
The next day, Barbara ran into one of Morris's club buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Morris won the prize the other night at the club with a toast about you, Barbara."
She said, "Sure, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time, on Yom Kippur, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!!!"
Are you computer dependent
This is just a simple test to determine if you are totally dependent on your computer. There is just one question to answer.
This illustrates how we have become totally dependent on our computers..
Are you male or female?
To know the answer, look down!!!
Not here, Stupid!
This illustrates how we have become totally dependent on our computers..
Are you male or female?
To know the answer, look down!!!
Not here, Stupid!
Blackmail
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now.
MEXICAN FAMILY
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Since they and their grandfather were all strict Catholics, they decided to put him in a Catholic home. After asking around, though, they found that all the Catholic facilities were full. After talking amongst themselves, they decided to put him in a Jewish home and just not mention it to their grandfather.
After he had been in the Jewish home for a few weeks, they went to visit their beloved abuelo. "How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," replied Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you! We were worried that this was the wrong place for you," the grandson said.
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa said with a big smile. "There's an 85-year-old musician here. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro". There is a judge in here as well, and he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor". And there's also a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor"!
"Okay," replied the grandson, confused, "But what does that matter to you?"
"What does it matter to me? It makes me feel great because I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me "The Fucking Mexican!"
After he had been in the Jewish home for a few weeks, they went to visit their beloved abuelo. "How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," replied Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you! We were worried that this was the wrong place for you," the grandson said.
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa said with a big smile. "There's an 85-year-old musician here. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him "Maestro". There is a judge in here as well, and he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him "Your Honor". And there's also a physician here that is 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him "Doctor"!
"Okay," replied the grandson, confused, "But what does that matter to you?"
"What does it matter to me? It makes me feel great because I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me "The Fucking Mexican!"
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm???"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.
Breast implants saves woman
Aug 15 2006
One Israeli woman has received an unexpected boost from her breast implants during the Lebanon war -- the silicone embeds saved her life during a Hezbollah rocket attack, a doctor said.
"This is an extraordinary case, but it's a fact that the silicone implants prevented her from a more serious and deeper wound," Jacky Govrin, of the hospital in Nahariya that treated the woman, told army radio Tuesday.
The young woman went through surgery two years ago to have a larger chest," he said. "During the war she was wounded in the chest by shrapnel" that got stuck in the implants instead of penetrating further.
The woman did not emerge from her ordeal completely unscathed, however.
"The shrapnel was removed but the implant had to be replaced," Govrin said.
The 3 fastest ways of communication
The 3 fastest ways of communication in the world are:
3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman
Need it faster??
Ask her not to tell anyone!!!!
3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman
Need it faster??
Ask her not to tell anyone!!!!
WHY JEWISH DAUGHTERS NEED THERAPY
Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."
Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."
Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me!"
Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?"
Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't."
Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at?"
Daughter: "Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX-husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably hasn't slept alone!"
Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."
Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?"
Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"
Jewish Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!!"
Jewish Mother: "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!"
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser?"
Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."
Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?"
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."
Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."
Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me!"
Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?"
Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did and I don't."
Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at?"
Daughter: "Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX-husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably hasn't slept alone!"
Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."
Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?"
Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"
Jewish Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!!"
Jewish Mother: "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!"
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser?"
Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."
Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?"
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"
Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don 't you understand?
4. Shull committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices? ," Moshe asked. "Yes, or no," she replied.
9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr Gevarter, are you comfortable?"
Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living...."
10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.
11.Three Jewish women get! together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don 't you understand?
4. Shull committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices? ," Moshe asked. "Yes, or no," she replied.
9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, "Mr Gevarter, are you comfortable?"
Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living...."
10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name.... and forgot to write a letter.
11.Three Jewish women get! together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."
12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"
Bacon Tree
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said.
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...
"It vuz a ham bush."
"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said.
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...
"It vuz a ham bush."
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 . People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 . People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
GHETTO SPELLIN'
Words: Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader.
........
This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectumboth.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if Imiss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
5. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me acup and said penis.
6. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man,it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."
7. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in theapartment undermine.
8. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?"she say "fortify."
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word....
Today's word is: "OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence.
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelettedis one slide."
........
This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectumboth.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if Imiss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
5. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me acup and said penis.
6. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man,it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."
7. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in theapartment undermine.
8. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?"she say "fortify."
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word....
Today's word is: "OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence.
"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelettedis one slide."
Black Robbers
For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: "These two are going to rob me." Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen." But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!
Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she
turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My God," she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! "Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It
was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She was too humiliated to speak.
She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: "These two are going to rob me." Her next thought was: "Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen." But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!
Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she
turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. "My God," she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! "Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It
was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: "My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself." She was too humiliated to speak.
She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed;
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
Mezuzah
A Chinese businessman operating out of south China suffers a string of robberies.
He calls up his associate in Israel and asks him if he ever had a problem with robberies.
"Not really," replies the Israeli. "We have this thing we put on the doorpost - called a mezuzah - and it protects our homes from harm."
"Send me one," begs the Chinese guy, "I'm desperate for a solution."
A few weeks later, the Israeli gets his mezuzah back in the mail. He calls up his Chinese friend. "Nu," he asks him. "The mezuzah didn't work? You were>robbed again?"
"No, no," the Chinese guy assures him, "no robberies,"
"So why did you send it back?"
The Chinese guy sighs. "I dunno," he says. "Ever since I hung it up, the doorbell doesn't stop ringing. Each time a different dude standing there, saying the same thing: 'Hachnassas Kallah!'"
He calls up his associate in Israel and asks him if he ever had a problem with robberies.
"Not really," replies the Israeli. "We have this thing we put on the doorpost - called a mezuzah - and it protects our homes from harm."
"Send me one," begs the Chinese guy, "I'm desperate for a solution."
A few weeks later, the Israeli gets his mezuzah back in the mail. He calls up his Chinese friend. "Nu," he asks him. "The mezuzah didn't work? You were>robbed again?"
"No, no," the Chinese guy assures him, "no robberies,"
"So why did you send it back?"
The Chinese guy sighs. "I dunno," he says. "Ever since I hung it up, the doorbell doesn't stop ringing. Each time a different dude standing there, saying the same thing: 'Hachnassas Kallah!'"
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Pole!
While recently riding on the bus standing up, a friend of mine grabbed onto the pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled down the road. She soon noticed a young man, who was also hanging on to the samepole, staring at her. Although this was somewhat annoying, she decided to just look the other way.
Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, my friend was slightly confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," the young man said.
My friend was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, my friend was slightly confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," the young man said.
My friend was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
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