While recently riding on the bus standing up, a friend of mine grabbed onto the pole nearest her to keep herself steady while the bus traveled down the road. She soon noticed a young man, who was also hanging on to the samepole, staring at her. Although this was somewhat annoying, she decided to just look the other way.
Soon the bus came to a stop. Clearing his throat, the young man said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."
Since she wasn't blocking his way, my friend was slightly confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."
"And this is my pole," the young man said.
My friend was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Grand Ma
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
Bad Boys
A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.
First, the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is G-d?"
The boy was stunned to silence.
The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question, "I asked you, Where Is G-d?"
The boy began to quake with dread; this was no ordinary lecture for being bad!
Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS G-D!?"
At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother.
"What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked.
"It's awful! The church has LOST G-D and they're BLAMING US!"
First, the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is G-d?"
The boy was stunned to silence.
The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question, "I asked you, Where Is G-d?"
The boy began to quake with dread; this was no ordinary lecture for being bad!
Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS G-D!?"
At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother.
"What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked.
"It's awful! The church has LOST G-D and they're BLAMING US!"
Getting Here
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years! No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
Texas "CIRCLE FLIES"
THOSE OF US WHO KNOW HORSES, KNOW CIRCLE FLIES.
TEXAS "CIRCLE FLIES"
A cowboy gets pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy sez, "Y'all havin' some problem with circle flies?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of no circle flies."
"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"
"No, sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforement to call y'all a horse's ass."
"That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Haircut?
A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser, and asks him how much he owes.
The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, Ijust couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house".
The priest is most grateful, and says, "Thank you, my son", and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon forshave and a wax.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader: a man of the people. I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."
The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week, a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have ahaircut and a beard trim.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No,Rabbi, I couldn't ask you to pay anything, it's on the house. You are a learned and wise man, go in peace."
The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.
The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, Ijust couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house".
The priest is most grateful, and says, "Thank you, my son", and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon forshave and a wax.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader: a man of the people. I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."
The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week, a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have ahaircut and a beard trim.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No,Rabbi, I couldn't ask you to pay anything, it's on the house. You are a learned and wise man, go in peace."
The Rabbi blesses him and leaves.
When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.
How many is...
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO." the President exclaims. "That's terrible."
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in his hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
"OH NO." the President exclaims. "That's terrible."
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in his hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
The Rabbi's Widow
In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother. Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.
She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he is no scholar; but he comes from a wonderful family."
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother. Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex." So they did.
She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex." So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it's good to have sex." So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "So how is the new husband?"
She replied, "Well, he is no scholar; but he comes from a wonderful family."
Monday, July 30, 2007
Do her again
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, " Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!
"The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room withthe father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him," You fu*k her again"
"The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room withthe father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him," You fu*k her again"
Baby Sex
Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling.
"I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl,
"But how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
"You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling.
"I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl,
"But how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy,
"You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
Heimlich Maneuver
Two Hillbillies
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business when suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right buttock cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant After ordering their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business when suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right buttock cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
BAD DAY
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
EMERGENCY ROOM - ALABAMA MEDICAL CENTER
I could be wrong, but judging by his hat,
this guy ain't gonna make it!!!!
Davening Parrot
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day wishing something wonderful would change his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk... vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a schlomazel...eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot". Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?". "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed $500 on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away. All night he talked with the parrot. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About years working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer put on his tefillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tefillin. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer with the appropriate nussach. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird in on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schlomiel," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed $500 on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away. All night he talked with the parrot. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About years working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot listened. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally, they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer put on his tefillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature set of tefillin. The parrot wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and taught him every prayer with the appropriate nussach. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a sight when they arrived and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who refused to allow a bird in on the High Holy Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in, swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song. Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I made your tefillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schlomiel," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"
Social Security
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability".
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability".
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Great Weekend!!!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Great Signs
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Men Are Just Happier People
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservation's are over in 30 seconds flat.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase .
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservation's are over in 30 seconds flat.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase .
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered 1 ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moonor the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1.You have too many shoes.
1.I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know
men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered 1 ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moonor the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1.You have too many shoes.
1.I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know
men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
So she can go.... herself
A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wivesfor their anniversary. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamondnecklace and a Mercedes Benz." Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her twogifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like thediamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back.
"The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tellhim what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and adildo." With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Whydid you buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in caseshe doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."
"The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tellhim what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and adildo." With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Whydid you buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in caseshe doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."
Friday, July 27, 2007
Guns vs Doctors
Subject: Of guns and doctors
Doctors:
(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. Is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%
Statistics courtesy of theU.S. Dept. Of Health & Human Services
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. Is 80,000,000 (yes that's 80million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, All age groups, is 1,500
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%
Statistics courtesy of the FBI
So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely Out of hand!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on
lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
Doctors:
(A) The number of doctors in the U.S. Is 700,000
(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%
Statistics courtesy of theU.S. Dept. Of Health & Human Services
Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. Is 80,000,000 (yes that's 80million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, All age groups, is 1,500
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%
Statistics courtesy of the FBI
So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, guns don't kill people, doctors do.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely Out of hand!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on
lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
Alligator Shoes
Young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worstway,
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices"attitude of one of the shopkeepers. The blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes for free!
"The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady,just goand give it a try!
"The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch analligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waistdeep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the deadcreatures,
all lying on their backs.The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration,she shouts out . . .SHIT ! ... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worstway,
but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices"attitude of one of the shopkeepers. The blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes for free!
"The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady,just goand give it a try!
"The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch analligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same young woman standing waistdeep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the deadcreatures,
all lying on their backs.The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration,she shouts out . . .SHIT ! ... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO
Blonde
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave$10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 A.M." Signed, "The Blonde."She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. "Here is your money I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
The Rabbi's Hat
Once, on a very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the schul.Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his fur hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He could not catch up with it.
A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi.The rabbi was so happy and grateful that he gave the man five dollars, put his hand on the man's head, and blessed him. The young man was very excited about the tip and also the blessing so he decided to head to the racetrack and bet his 5 unexpected dollars.
After the races the young man returns home and recounted his most exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the racing program, and saw a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1 ... the longest shot in the field.
Having received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat, I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5 dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to ever show came in first by 5 lengths. I won $500."
"That is so great - you made a fortune," said the father. "Yes, $500, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running.The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."
"What happened?" asked the excited father. "The horse Stetson won and I collected $15,000 in cash. Can you imagine how I felt. I was never more excited in my life."
"My God son, you mean you brought home this kind of money?" asked his excited father.
"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. The heavy favorite horse in this race was named 'Chateau' so I bet all the money on it because the name means hat in French and it all started with the rabbi's hat. But hell the horse broke down and he came in last."
"Idiot! Hat in French is 'Chapeaux' not 'Chateau'. said the father.You lost all that money because you are so ignorant. You really blew it.
Imagine what you almost had. Well, tell me who won the race anyway?"
"It was another real long shot, some Japanese horse named 'Yamaka*'.
A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to the rabbi.The rabbi was so happy and grateful that he gave the man five dollars, put his hand on the man's head, and blessed him. The young man was very excited about the tip and also the blessing so he decided to head to the racetrack and bet his 5 unexpected dollars.
After the races the young man returns home and recounted his most exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the racing program, and saw a horse by the name of 'Top Hat' running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1 ... the longest shot in the field.
Having received the rabbi's blessing and the 5 dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat, I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire 5 dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened, the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to ever show came in first by 5 lengths. I won $500."
"That is so great - you made a fortune," said the father. "Yes, $500, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running.The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."
"What happened?" asked the excited father. "The horse Stetson won and I collected $15,000 in cash. Can you imagine how I felt. I was never more excited in my life."
"My God son, you mean you brought home this kind of money?" asked his excited father.
"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. The heavy favorite horse in this race was named 'Chateau' so I bet all the money on it because the name means hat in French and it all started with the rabbi's hat. But hell the horse broke down and he came in last."
"Idiot! Hat in French is 'Chapeaux' not 'Chateau'. said the father.You lost all that money because you are so ignorant. You really blew it.
Imagine what you almost had. Well, tell me who won the race anyway?"
"It was another real long shot, some Japanese horse named 'Yamaka*'.
Preacher
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary.There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, thePreacher got up and spoke to the crowd,"Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it…
…we wear rubbers!!"
Silence fell on the congregation.In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it…
…we wear rubbers!!"
The iPod that let's you roll with it
The state-of-the-art iCarta makes it easier for people to listen to beats while using the bathroom
It gives a completely new meaning to the phrase 'rock 'n' roll'. For boffins have invented a cutting-edge gadget combining a portable music player and a toilet paper dispenser.
The state-of-the-art device - called an iCarta - makes it easier for people to listen to beats while using the bathroom.
It is designed, according to the US manufacturers, to "enhance your experience in the smallest room".
The gadget, which costs around $99, or £54, merges an iPod docking station with a loo roll dispenser.
After music lovers have downloaded songs from the internet on their iPod, they can place it in a socket in the top of the dispenser.
Then while sitting on the toilet, using the shower or luxuriating in a bubble bath, they can listen to their favourite tunes.
The device delivers high-quality sounds from moisture-resistant speakers, according to the manufacturer Atech Flash Technology.
It also re-charges the iPod while playing songs - either pre-programmed or a random selection.
The iCarta, which is 8 inches wide, 7 inches deep and three inches high and designed to be mounted on the bathroom wall, is powered by rechargeable batteries.
It is the latest hi-tech contraption that features an MP3 player.
Manufacturers have already produced a robotic dogs that 'dances' when someone connects it to a music player and DJs are beginning to forsake vinyl records and CDs for mixing desks which use iPods.
And in April, the Mail told how the latest model of the classic Swiss Army Knife featured a detachable MP3 player.
It meant owners of the state-of-the-art knife could store and play up to 250 songs downloaded from the Internet.
One website which reviews the latest technology described the iCarta as "one of the stranger iPod accessories we've ever seen".
But it is certainly ideal for anyone wanting to listen to rock band Oasis' number one single 'Roll With It'.
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