Hillary's Presidential Plane
DENTAL RECORDS MATCH
My guess is that the other end is a match also!
Float in a German Parade
New Cereal Box for 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Morning Chuckle (pic)
You've gotta love this man! He's a 73 year old war hero, who wore a protective flap over his ear while Senators Ted Kennedy, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton addressed the Veterans of Foreign Wars! I wish I could shake this man's hand! I just want to know where he got it....?
Hillary's Presidential Plane
DENTAL RECORDS MATCH
My guess is that the other end is a match also!
Float in a German Parade
New Cereal Box for 2008
Hillary's Presidential Plane
DENTAL RECORDS MATCH
My guess is that the other end is a match also!
Float in a German Parade
New Cereal Box for 2008
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Jewish Logic All Worked Out!
Moshe is waiting on the platform at the station. He notices a Jewish man standing nearby and asks him for the time. But the man ignores him. Moshe then asks him again, and the man responds in the same way. Frustrated, Moshe asks "Excuse me, but I've asked you for the time twice, why are you ignoring me"
Suddenly, the man looks up and says, "We're both waiting for the train, if I answer you, then when we get on the train you will come and sit next to me, we will probably start talking, and I may invite you to my house for Shabbat, there you will meet my daughter, you will probably like her, you may eventually want to marry her, and to be honest with you, WHY WOULD I WANT A SON IN LAW WHO CAN'T AFFORD A WATCH?"
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Priest
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sex*al activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sex*al activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Philosophy of Ambiguity AM
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY...
1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS, AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WTH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION? >
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIP ASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD "LISP" TO HAVE AN "S" IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
Korean Freestyle Slalom Skating
This is really amazing to watch! A possible new Olympic sport...
Be patient; she contemplates for a bit but you'll see why...
http://www.glumbert.com/media/koreanfreestyle
http://www.glumbert.com/media/koreanfreestyle
Three little ducks go into a Bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great, I had a Lovely day, I had a ball, and I Have Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," Came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey!?" he asked.
"Great, I had a Lovely day, and I've had a ball too, Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great, I had a Lovely day, I had a ball, and I Have Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," Came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey!?" he asked.
"Great, I had a Lovely day, and I've had a ball too, Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That' s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
! On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten year! s we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That' s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
! On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten year! s we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
AFLAC INSURANCE SCAM ALERT - BEWARE !!
It seems the BBB got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.
Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals.
The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target. While admiring the cuteness of the kids, the unsuspecting victims are robbed of their cash and never even know what hit them.
I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is.
A passer by with a digital camera phone happened to capture the photo below
Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.
Good Luck
Don't say you weren't warned
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Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals.
The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target. While admiring the cuteness of the kids, the unsuspecting victims are robbed of their cash and never even know what hit them.
I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is.
A passer by with a digital camera phone happened to capture the photo below
Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.
Good Luck
Don't say you weren't warned
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A Good Story
A Way of Dealing with Anti-Semitism
On a NW Airways flight from Atlanta, GA., a middle-aged, well to do
woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kipa (aka "yarmulka"
in Yiddish).
She called the attendant over to complain about her seating. "What
seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant. "You've sat me
next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting person.
Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down Madam." the attendant replied. "The flight is very
full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if
we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her
(not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the attendant returns. The woman cannot help but
look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.
The flight attendant then says..."Madam, unfortunately, as I
suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director,
and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to respond, the attendant continues..."It
is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have
had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the
circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone
should be forced to sit next to such a person."...
With which, she turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and
said:
"So if
you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat in first class
ready for you..."
At this point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing
ovation, while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane.
On a NW Airways flight from Atlanta, GA., a middle-aged, well to do
woman found herself sitting next to a man wearing a kipa (aka "yarmulka"
in Yiddish).
She called the attendant over to complain about her seating. "What
seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant. "You've sat me
next to a Jew!! I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting person.
Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down Madam." the attendant replied. "The flight is very
full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if
we have any seats available in club or first class."
The woman shoots a snooty look at the snubbed Jewish man beside her
(not to mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the attendant returns. The woman cannot help but
look at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin.
The flight attendant then says..."Madam, unfortunately, as I
suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director,
and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to respond, the attendant continues..."It
is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have
had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the
circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone
should be forced to sit next to such a person."...
With which, she turned to the Jewish man sitting next to her, and
said:
"So if
you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat in first class
ready for you..."
At this point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing
ovation, while the Jewish man walked up to the front of the plane.
CHINESE PROVERBS
CHINESE PROVERBS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Greener Grass (pic)
Its important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements, to go for that greener grass that is on the other side of the fence….
But one must also be careful……
Sometimes you can reach too far !
But when you find yourself overextended and you’re stuck in a situation that you can’t get out of, there is one thing that you should always remember…..
Not everyone who shows up….
is there to help you
Neologism contest
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature.
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature.
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.
The Blonde Handywoman
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing the neighbourhoods.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ."
A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge ."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes ."
A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money. "You finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge ."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added ... "it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus."
God's Been A L'il Busy....
United States Marine from the deep
south was attending some college
courses between assignments.
He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan, unscathed .
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed
atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came
in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'G-d, if
you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'
courses between assignments.
He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan, unscathed .
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed
atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came
in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'G-d, if
you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes.'
The lecture room fell silent, heavy with the challenge.
You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, 'Here I am G-d. I'm still
waiting.' Uneasiness in the room built...
You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, 'Here I am G-d. I'm still
waiting.' Uneasiness in the room built...
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the
Marine got out of his chair, stepped up to the professor,
and with due precision,cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold but relatively unharmed so the Marine went back to
his seat in what could only be described as true military
bearing and sat down, silently, unabashed.
The other students were shocked and stunned and sat
there looking on in silence, unsure of what to do.
The other students were shocked and stunned and sat
there looking on in silence, unsure of what to do.
The professor came to, noticeably shaken, but relatively
unharmed, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What the heck is the
matter with you? Why did you do that?'
matter with you? Why did you do that?'
The Marine stood at the ready and calmly replied,
'G-d was a l'il busy today protecting soldiers
like me who are protecting your ignorant
right to stand around and make such a
right to stand around and make such a
mockery of our fine educational process.
So, with all due respect, if He had shown up
So, with all due respect, if He had shown up
Himself I seriously doubt you'd still be
here to appreciate it and what
would any of us learned from that?
You did specify to Him, 'to be knocked from the platform'
did you not? He sent me to safely clarify the matter to you, Sir'
For once, the professor had no argument
and everyone agreed that that in itself
was a miracle.
.
Hoo-rah
What is a true New Yorker
THERE IS NO NORTH AND SOUTH. IT'S "UPTOWN" OR "DOWNTOWN." IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM NEW YORK YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONCEPT OF WHERE NORTH AND SOUTH ARE.... AND EAST OR WEST IS "CROSS-TOWN."
YOU'RE 35 YEARS OLD AND DON'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE.
YOU RIDE IN A SUBWAY CAR WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE SEATS AVAILABLE.
YOU TAKE THE TRAIN HOME AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE ON THE PLATFORM THE
DOORS WILL OPEN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE EXIT STAIRWAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT A "REGULAR" COFFEE IS.
IT'S NOT MANHATTAN; IT'S THE "CITY ."
YOU CROSS THE STREET ANYWHERE BUT ON THE CORNERS AND YOU YELL AT CARS FOR NOT RESPECTING YOUR RIGHT TO DO IT.
YOU MOVE 3,000 MILES AWAY, SPEND 10 YEARS LEARNING THE LOCAL LANGUAGE AND PEOPLE STILL KNOW YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN OR THE BRONX THE MINUTE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
YOU RETURN AFTER 10 YEARS AND THE FIRST FOODS YOU WANT ARE A "REAL" PIZZA AND A "REAL" BAGEL.
A 500 SQUARE FOOT APARTMENT IS LARGE.
YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ALL THE DIFFERENT RAY'S PIZZAS.
YOU ARE NOT UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT ANY HUMAN BEING WOULD BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND A P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE SUBWAY.
YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER ORDERING PIZZA IN ANY OTHER CITY.
YOU GET READY TO ORDER DINNER EVERY NIGHT AND MUST CHOOSE FROM THE MAJOR FOOD GROUPS WHICH ARE: CHINESE, ITALIAN, MEXICAN OR INDIAN.
YOU'RE NOT THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED IN GOING TO TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
YOUR INTERNAL CLOCK IS PERMANENTLY SET TO KNOW WHEN ALTERNATE SIDE OF THE STREET PARKING REGULATIONS ARE IN EFFECT.
YOU KNOW WHAT A BODEGA IS.
SOMEONE BUMPS INTO YOU, AND YOU CHECK FOR YOUR WALLET.
YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE LADY WALKING DOWN THE ROAD HAVING A PERFECTLY NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF.
YOU PAY "ONLY" $230 A MONTH TO PARK YOUR CAR.
YOU CRINGE AT HEARING PEOPLE PRONOUNCE HOUSTON ST. LIKE THE CITY IN TEXAS.
THE PRESIDENTIAL VISIT IS A MAJOR TRAFFIC JAM, NOT AN HONOR.
YOU CAN NAP ON THE SUBWAY AND NEVER MISS YOUR STOP.
THE DELI GUY GIVES YOU A STRAW WITH ANY BEVERAGE YOU BUY, EVEN IF IT'S A BEER.
THAT'S NEW YORK, BABY! YA GOTTA LOVE IT.
YOU'RE 35 YEARS OLD AND DON'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE.
YOU RIDE IN A SUBWAY CAR WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING JUST BECAUSE THERE ARE SEATS AVAILABLE.
YOU TAKE THE TRAIN HOME AND YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHERE ON THE PLATFORM THE
DOORS WILL OPEN THAT WILL LEAVE YOU RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE EXIT STAIRWAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT A "REGULAR" COFFEE IS.
IT'S NOT MANHATTAN; IT'S THE "CITY ."
YOU CROSS THE STREET ANYWHERE BUT ON THE CORNERS AND YOU YELL AT CARS FOR NOT RESPECTING YOUR RIGHT TO DO IT.
YOU MOVE 3,000 MILES AWAY, SPEND 10 YEARS LEARNING THE LOCAL LANGUAGE AND PEOPLE STILL KNOW YOU'RE FROM BROOKLYN OR THE BRONX THE MINUTE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
YOU RETURN AFTER 10 YEARS AND THE FIRST FOODS YOU WANT ARE A "REAL" PIZZA AND A "REAL" BAGEL.
A 500 SQUARE FOOT APARTMENT IS LARGE.
YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ALL THE DIFFERENT RAY'S PIZZAS.
YOU ARE NOT UNDER THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT ANY HUMAN BEING WOULD BE ABLE TO ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND A P.A. ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE SUBWAY.
YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER ORDERING PIZZA IN ANY OTHER CITY.
YOU GET READY TO ORDER DINNER EVERY NIGHT AND MUST CHOOSE FROM THE MAJOR FOOD GROUPS WHICH ARE: CHINESE, ITALIAN, MEXICAN OR INDIAN.
YOU'RE NOT THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED IN GOING TO TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
YOUR INTERNAL CLOCK IS PERMANENTLY SET TO KNOW WHEN ALTERNATE SIDE OF THE STREET PARKING REGULATIONS ARE IN EFFECT.
YOU KNOW WHAT A BODEGA IS.
SOMEONE BUMPS INTO YOU, AND YOU CHECK FOR YOUR WALLET.
YOU DON'T EVEN NOTICE THE LADY WALKING DOWN THE ROAD HAVING A PERFECTLY NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF.
YOU PAY "ONLY" $230 A MONTH TO PARK YOUR CAR.
YOU CRINGE AT HEARING PEOPLE PRONOUNCE HOUSTON ST. LIKE THE CITY IN TEXAS.
THE PRESIDENTIAL VISIT IS A MAJOR TRAFFIC JAM, NOT AN HONOR.
YOU CAN NAP ON THE SUBWAY AND NEVER MISS YOUR STOP.
THE DELI GUY GIVES YOU A STRAW WITH ANY BEVERAGE YOU BUY, EVEN IF IT'S A BEER.
THAT'S NEW YORK, BABY! YA GOTTA LOVE IT.
PONDERISMS
* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
die of natural causes.
* Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
* The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
* Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
* Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
* Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
* If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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