Alarm Clock (vid)

Dropped something (vid)

Kid Drummer (vid)

Smell it Please.. (vid)

Help with Map (vid)

This is an Incredible story

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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

An Italian boy's confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now 'Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarell

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads !!!!

Car accident on Camera (vid)

Theres what in the toilet??? (vid)

Guess Whats in da box (vid)

Twins (pic)

Keep the Cow Where??? (vid)

New From DeWalt

Originally designed to help in the rebuilding of New Orleans . Patent pending, must use US made nails, and must be above age 18 to purchase. Coupon available for free nails when purchased at Home Depot.

New from DeWalt: The NEW 16D Rapidfire Nail Gun

New nail gun, made by Dewalt. It can drive a 16D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze; you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get the wife and kids to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold drink, when they have the board in the right place just fire away. With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.

After a day of fence building with the new Dewalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife will not ask you to fix or build anything else

Motivational Poster - Unique (pic)

Motivational Poster - This (pic)

Motivational Poster - Teamwork (pic)

Motivational Poster - Survival (pic)

Motivational Poster - Stereotypes (pic)

Motivational Poster - Rock Bottom (pic)

Motivational Poster - Insppiration (pic)

Motivational Poster - Envy (pic)

Motivational Poster - Creativity (pic)

Motivational Poster - Domestic Violence (pic)

Motivational Poster - Coolness (pic)

Motivational Poster - Blending In (pic)

Motovational Poster - Birth Control (pic)

Want Milk With That? (vid)

Stupid Dog (vid)

Getting Divorced (vid)

Broke Finger (vid)

Helping out around the house... (vid)

Another Ikea ad (vid)

One More Ikea ad (vid)

GR8 Ikea Ad (vid)

WTF?? Olympic Try out... (vid)

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with an expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.

Well, hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him exactly what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid arguement.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Big Words

Three former kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.'You need to use big people words,' she'd always remind them.
She asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.
'I went to visit my Nana.'
'No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!'
She then asked Joey what he had done.
'I took a ride on a choo-choo.' he said.
'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN, use big people words!'
She then asked Eddie what he had done.
'I read a book' he replied.
'That's wonderful' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride
and said, 'Winnie The Shit'.

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud .

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government,' says Bud .

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . Now give me back my dog.'

Negotiate (vid)

Iranian Jew

A Iranian Jew wants to immigrate to Israel.

The local Imman calls him in for questioning: 'Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in your synagogue?'

'Can't complain.'

'Haven't we let you live in peace with your fellow Iraninans?'

'Can't complain.'

'Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within and beyond the village?'

'Can't complain.'

'Haven't we let you practice your profession?'

'Can't complain.'

'Then why do you want to go to Israel?'

'Because over there I CAN complain!

Accident... (vid)

Good Biker (vid)

Interesting Ad (vid)

Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
'I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!!

Blonde Joke

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the Heck?', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!' I said, 'Great. Tell me why You're so happy.' She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more!' I asked, 'What do you mean 'more'?' She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!' Amazed At how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how sheKnew. She said....

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a Home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

Gun Control (vid)

Bar Tender (vid)

Yellow Snow (vid)