Drunk infiltrates team of firefighters

Firefighters called to a blaze at an apartment building in a southern
German town were astonished to discover a fully equipped extremely drunk
imposter in their ranks, police said on Thursday.

On hearing the alarm, the 38-year-old man had rushed to the fire
station, was helped into protective clothing and helmet by unsuspecting
firefighters and boarded the fire engine, a spokesman for Suedhessen
police said.

After arriving at the apartments, firefighters quickly realized the man
was an imposter and called the police, he added.
"When fire breaks out, it's all hands on deck!" the man told officers
when questioned about his motives. He was released without charge after
sobering up overnight in a police cell.

50 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than A Woman

At some point in time you’re going to wish you had a beer instead of a woman, and here’s the reasons why:

1: Beer doesn’t mind if you share it
2: You can enjoy a beer all day, every day
3: It’s OK to have a beer anytime of the month
4: A beer is always satisfying
5: You can take as many beers as you want home
6: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another
7: You can have a beer whenever you want
8: Beer can’t get pregnant
9: You can always trust your beer
10: It’s easy to get rid of beer you don’t want
11: You can’t catch STD’s from your own beer
12: Beer gets lighter the longer you hold it
13: Beer doesn’t grow hair in places it shouldn’t
14: It’s ok to go home with a different beer
15: Beer always looks good no matter the packaging
16: It’s ok to go to sleep when you’ve had a beer
17: Beer doesn’t complain how cold it is
18: Your last beer won’t fight with your new beer
19: You don’t have to talk to your beer
20: You know how much a beer costs when you get it
21: Beer doesn’t have interfering parents
22: A beer won’t mind if you lock it up
23: A beer doesn’t need to wash before it tastes good
24: You can’t get arrested for burying a beer
25: A beer isn’t embarrassing when you take it out
26: A beer doesn’t expect you to marry it
27: It’s OK to have a beer on the bus
28: A beer won’t file a divorce suit against you
29: When you have a beer you know what you’re getting
30: A beer wont cheat on you with another man
31: Beer doesn’t take hours for it to be ready
32: A beer doesn’t care how much you earn
33: A beer doesn’t care where you take it
34: A beer won’t call you when you’ve had enough
35: Beer doesn’t need an answer for everything
36: It’s not illegal to sell your beer to a friend
37: You don’t need to drive a beer to its friends house
38: A beer won’t tell you to change the channel
39: A beer is always wet
40: A beer always hits the spot
41: You can give unwanted beer away without hassle
42: Beer doesn’t complain when it goes flat
43: If the beer is poured correctly, you get good head
44: A beer won’t say to you, “does my ass look big in this”
45: You can sleep with as many beers as you want
46: Beer doesn’t expect you to buy it presents
47: Beer doesn’t bleed on a regular occurrence
48: You can do what you want with a beer
49: A beer won’t mind you going out with your friends
50: It’s OK to leave a beer outside in the cold

5 Year Old... (pic)

My five-year old students, are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked... 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...

'A-f-r-i-c-a-n Elephant'

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

How do these people survive? Part 9

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!

How do these people survive? Part 8

Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

How do these people survive? Part 7

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

How do these people survive? Part 6

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

How do these people survive? Part 5

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

How do these people survive? Part 4

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

Funny Opera (vid)

How do these people survive? Part 3

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

How do these people survive? Part 2

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

How do these people survive? Part 1

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply . 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

ADG Security (Vid)

5 Min max Parking (vid)

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

1. 
   If
   you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
   afraid to cough.
2. 
   Clumsy?
   Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else
   to hold them while you chop away.
3. 
   Men:
   Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
   using the sink.
4. 
   For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
   minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
   timer.
5. 
   Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer, and you will forget all about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember:



* Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

* Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

* If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You got another chance!


And finally, be really nice to your family and
friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

THE VISIT

Becky's grandson and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to her flat. "You come to the front door of the Golders Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed?"

THE PROVIDER

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and G-d will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "G-d will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support the children?"

"Don't worry, sir, G-d will provide," replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that G-d will provide.

Later that evening the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm G-d."

ONE LAST WISH

Just before Rosh Hashanah, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, a getaway car or a jumbo jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them... Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish.

"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashanah sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's a one hour and fifty five minute long tape, tops." The terrorists promise to grant the wish.

"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the Hinneni prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long, then I'll go happily."

The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish, too, and they turn to the shul president.

"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes. "Shoot me first!"

JEWISH PROFESSIONS

Three older women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son, he graduated with honors from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago."

The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."

The last woman says, "You know my son Morris, he never did too well in school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."

The other two women ask, "Vot is a sports repairman?"

The third momma proudly replies, "Morris fixes boxing matches, football games, tennis matches...."

THE PICKUP LINE

JEWISH MINDS THINK DIFFERENTLY

A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.

"Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"

"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"

Summer Classes for Men

Summer Classes for Men
AT THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, August 1st 2008

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.

Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--

Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--

Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries

and Other Important Dates

and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,

diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Texas Wisdom

While sewing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old west Texas rancher, the doctor struck up a conversation. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be the next President.

The old rancher said, "Well ya know somethin' son, Obama is what we used to call... a 'post turtle'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a 'post turtle'."

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there in the first place!"

Why men shouldn't take messages ... (PIC)

Woman swallowed whole by leopard

I thought it was one of those fake emails too, until I saw the photo below. Somehow the woman was lodged in the leopard's throat until they finally cut the leopard's head off to let the woman escape .

She was unharmed .. Unbelievable!!

* CAUTION- Photo follows that may be too frightening for some viewers

T-Shirt

The Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ROARRRR!"

How War Increases Our Vocabulary

Almost every aspect of war spawns new words, and, over time, many of them slip into everyday use. Sometimes, they even become downright peaceful in the process. For instance, triumph used to mean a victory ceremony for Roman conquerors, and skedaddle signified retreat during the Civil War. And if you're ever had a snafu ("Situation Normal: All F'd Up"), then you owe a debt to the WWI soldiers who invented the acronym to describe
the trenches. With each passing conflict, the list of pacified war words gets longer and longer.

Undermine: If your colleagues constantly undermine you, just be glad they aren't doing so in the traditional sense. Undermine, a word that dates back to the 14th century, was once a military term for digging a clandestine passage under a building to sneak up on the enemy. The term quickly turned metaphorical, but in Shakespeare's day, its literal meaning was still commonly known. He even played with it in All's Well That Ends Well, when the maiden Helena asks a soldier if there's a way to safeguard her virginity. He replies, "There is none: man, sitting down before you, will undermine you, and blow you up."

Fleabag: Starting in the 1830s, a fleabag was a soldier's bed. Although the word fleabag now seems wedded to hotel, it can be applied more broadly, as in the 1958 example from the Oxford English Dictionary, "God, how I hated Paris! Paris was one big flea-bag."

Basket case: Today, a basket case is simply a neurotic person, but during WWI, it meant a living soldier who had lost all his limbs and was brought home in a basket. The United States military denies that real baskets were ever used to carry soldiers. Regardless, the original meaning of the word is still gruesome.

Flak: Celebrities catch a lot of flak for idiotic behavior, but contemporary flak isn't what it used to be. When the term originated in the 1930s, it was short for fliegerabwehrkanome, the German word for anti-aircraft guns. After a generation, the meaning shifted so that catching flak now means absorbing criticism instead of cannon fire.

Gung ho: You may be gung ho about collecting stamps, playing solitaire, or other individual pursuits, but originally, the term was more applicable to teams. The U.S. Marine first used it as a slogan during World War II, after General Evans Carlson adapted the Chinese kung ho, which means "work in harmony." While the teamwork element of the definition has faded, the enthusiasm bit has certainly remained.

Fobbit, hillbilly armor, and IED: The war in Iraq is contributing its own new expressions. A popular word on the rise is fobbit, a term that combines FOB (forward operating base) with hobbit. The word is a derogatory term for soldiers who stay too close to base and help themselves to three square meals a day. Another expression gaining steam is hillbilly armor, a term for the scraps used to bulletproof vehicles.

Some words have already entered civilian life. IEDs, or improvised explosive devices, refer to the homemade bombs created by terrorists and insurgents. A recent GQ article about inappropriate office-party behavior used it like this: "The workplace minefield is hard enough to negotiate without planting your own IEDs." So, what are the chances any of these new words will stick around? Who knows? The only thing that's certain is that as long as there are new wars, new words will crop up, too.

Darwin stupidity award - Part 5 (vid)

Darwin stupidity award - Part 4 (vid)

Darwin stupidity award - Part 3 (vid)

Darwin stupidity award - Part 2 (vid)

Darwin stupidity award - Part 1 (vid)

Idiot Sightings..

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that
side."

Dolphins & Stress

Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.




No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation.

Never take life seriously.

Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

History Lesson

A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says,
"Well, son let me try to explain it to you this way... I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'.

Your Mom, she's the administrator of the household, so we'll call
her the Government.

We're here to take care of YOUR needs, so we'll call you 'The People'.
The nanny, well, she works hard all day for very little money, so we'll consider her 'The Working Class'.

And your baby brother... we'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about
that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks into the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored, and the Future is in Deep Shit."

Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Contest!

Dunkin' Donuts Coffee Contest

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize. The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads it...


"W I N A B A G E L"

The middle wife

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got! thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

Happy Marriage

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or
ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

Wedding Ring - Priceless....

True Story from Houston Medical Center
A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring

Priceless...

Feeling better?

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

Best Selling Pen Holder in Iraq (pic)

Feel like a woman

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Good Luck Mr. Gorky

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL
ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,
ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK GOOD
LUCK MR. GORSKY.

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR
AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE GOOD LUCK,
MR. GORSKY STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA, FLORIDA WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A
SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26 YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME
HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL
WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACK YARD.

HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM
WINDOWS.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.

AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY
SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

SEX, YOU WANT SEX? YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON.

Cowboy

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last.

All of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how this works. You have three wishes". "I'm not falling for this", says the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor". "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about it for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** He finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, he says.... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything there's going to be a string attached.

To my darling husband

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX




P.S. Your girlfriend called

CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Doing what?? (pic)

Crack in Airplane Window.........Unbelievable

There is a lot of pressure inside these big planes …
Yet another thing to worry about.
This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!! Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window!
Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. This is an actual crack
that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart With her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you Think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't Believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day And thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

THIS IS WHY PARENTS DRINK!

THIS IS WHY PARENTS DRINK!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

“Dear Dad:
“It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

“But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

“Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

“In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.

“She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

“Love,

“Your Son, John

“P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer.

“I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.”

Harry's Test

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'

Harry answered,' I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I should be in the 3rd grade too !'


Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.



Principal :'What is 3 x 3 ?'


Harry :'9.'

Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'

Harry :'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'



Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.



Ms. Brooks asks,'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'

Harry, after a moment:'Legs.'


Ms Brooks:'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'

The principal wondered why would she
ask such a question !


Harry replied :'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks :'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'

Harry :'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks :What starts with C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'


Harry :Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks : ' What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,

'Bubble gum.'






Ms. Brooks :'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry :'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks :'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement ?'


Harry :'Fire truck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of
relief and told the teacher,' Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'