Affairs

The 1st Affair:
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> A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
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> One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
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> The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
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> He put on his shoes and drove home.
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> "Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
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> "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
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> "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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> The 2nd Affair:
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> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
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> They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
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> The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
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> The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
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> He was horrified at the ug liest child he had ever seen.
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> He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
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> The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
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> The 3rd Affair:
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> A mortician was working late one night.
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> He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
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> "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
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> So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
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> "I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
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> "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
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>
> The 4th Affair:
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> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
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> "Hu rry," she said, "stand in the corner."
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> She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
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> "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."
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> "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
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> "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."
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> No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
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> Around 2 am. the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
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> "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
> The 5th Affair:
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> A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and
> ordered a beer.
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> "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
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> "One Cent?" the man thought.
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> He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
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> "A nickel," the barman replied.
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> "A nickel?" exclaimed the man, "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
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> The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
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> The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
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> The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
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> The 6th Affair:
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> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
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> He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
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> "There's no need to," his wife replied.
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> "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
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> "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."