Tuesday, December 11, 2007
instead of saying...........
Two guys are Drinking at a bar. The First says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'.
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',, , , , ,, I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',, , , , ,, I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'
Mate Match
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks did hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago .
The DJ's play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for Verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I have heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you heard of Mate Match?"
Contestant:(laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean that you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara"
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She's gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work"
Brian:(laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! "
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well.."
DJ: "Question ..2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, a trip would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: Laughing Hard " I ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh Huh..."
Brian:"...and the Mother In Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I have done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
Three Minutes of Commercials Follow
DJ:"OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? "
(touch tones...ringing..)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Edgar from WBAM, we are live on the air and I have Been speaking with Brian for a couple hours now."
Sara:(laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No"
DJ: "Good"
Brian:(laughing)
Sara:(laughing)"Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian:(laughing) "Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you are off to Orlando , Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magics game. The whole deal. Get it Sara?"
Sara:(laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright, when did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara:"12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's good enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one last question away from a trip to Florida . Are you ready?"
Sara:(laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well..."
DJ: "Come on Sara.....where did you have it?"
Sara: "In the ass...."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break.
The DJ's play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJ's call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for Verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I have heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you heard of Mate Match?"
Contestant:(laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know were giving away a trip to Orlando , Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean that you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara"
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She's gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work"
Brian:(laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! "
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well.."
DJ: "Question ..2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, a trip would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"
Brian: Laughing Hard " I ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh Huh..."
Brian:"...and the Mother In Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I have done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."
Three Minutes of Commercials Follow
DJ:"OK audience, let's call Sarah, shall we? "
(touch tones...ringing..)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sara, this is Edgar from WBAM, we are live on the air and I have Been speaking with Brian for a couple hours now."
Sara:(laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooo do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
Sara: "No"
DJ: "Good"
Brian:(laughing)
Sara:(laughing)"Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian:(laughing) "Just answer the questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then both of you are off to Orlando , Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World, Sea World, Tickets to the Magics game. The whole deal. Get it Sara?"
Sara:(laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright, when did you last have sex, Sara?"
Sara: "Oh God, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sara: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sara:"12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's good enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sara. You are one last question away from a trip to Florida . Are you ready?"
Sara:(laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sara: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sara?"
Sara: "Well..."
DJ: "Come on Sara.....where did you have it?"
Sara: "In the ass...."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break.
A city Cop
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there, Sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there, Sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Casa D'Ice Restaurant (pic)
Casa D'Ice Restaurant near Pittsburg (Just 10 miles southeast of Pittsburgh in North Versailles PA ). The owner changes the signs when he gets another idea or just wants to make a [political] statement and WOW! This guy says things in a very direct manner!
COURT SETS ATHEISTS HOLIDAY
Have you heard about this case? Great answer from The Judge!
In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case Dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'
The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'
The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture , he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!
Way to go, Judge!
In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case Dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate his own atheists' holiday!'
The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?'
The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as 'April Fools Day,' consider that Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no God, then by scripture , he is a fool, and April 1st is his holiday! Now have a good day and get out of my courtroom!!
Way to go, Judge!
One Good Marine
A large group of Al-Qaeda fighters are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One MARINE is better than ten Al-Qaeda fighters . "
The Al-Qaeda commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence .
The voice once again calls out: "One MARINE is better than one-hundred Al-Qaeda fighters . "
Furious, the Al-Qaeda commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences . After 10 minutes of battle, again silence .
The MARINE'S voice calls out again: "One MARINE is better than one-thousand Al-Qaeda fighters . "
The enraged Al-Qaeda commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune . Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and Cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought . . . . Then silence .
Eventually one badly wounded Al-Qaeda fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap . There are two of them . "
The Al-Qaeda commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the dune where upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence .
The voice once again calls out: "One MARINE is better than one-hundred Al-Qaeda fighters . "
Furious, the Al-Qaeda commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences . After 10 minutes of battle, again silence .
The MARINE'S voice calls out again: "One MARINE is better than one-thousand Al-Qaeda fighters . "
The enraged Al-Qaeda commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune . Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and Cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought . . . . Then silence .
Eventually one badly wounded Al-Qaeda fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap . There are two of them . "
An Arabs Partners
An arab at the check -in at the airoport:
- Name?
- Abdul Al Razhib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no, I mean male or female.
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, dog, even sheep.
- But isn't that hostile? - Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear! - No, no, deer run to fast!
- Name?
- Abdul Al Razhib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no, I mean male or female.
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, dog, even sheep.
- But isn't that hostile? - Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear! - No, no, deer run to fast!
Red Binder
To All Employees:
I have compiled a Master Reference binder for all staff. Inside this binder you will find "solutions" to everyday problems. If you are having problems with the photocopier, difficulty dealing with co-workers, having computer problems, customer problems, personal problems, or any kind of problem, please come and get the red binder and it will help you through your issue.
Use the red binder for all issues...it is guaranteed to make you stress-free and relaxed.
IDIOT SIGHTING
Be Careful Out There:
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side.
"This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS .
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side.
"This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !
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