Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge th e women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely, BILL CLINTON
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Best Marketing Strategies Ever
One of the Best Marketing Strategies Ever
Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case - ok"
Next: Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case - ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case - ok"
Moral: Even if you have nothing, you can make things happen.
Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case - ok"
Next: Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case - ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case - ok"
Moral: Even if you have nothing, you can make things happen.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
Food For Thought
Idle Thoughts of a Retiree's Wandering Mind
~~~
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
~~~
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
The Origin of "Kiss My Ass"
It was in the great market in ancient Rome that Marcus Brutus Goldstein, a poor tailor, made Togas and sold them at his stall in the marketplace.
He shouted out his wares for sale, "Togas! - Finest Togas in all Rome!" he would shout, but alas, business was not good.
Finally, a friend suggested that since the weather was getting rather cold, he could increase business by lining he garments with a fine quality wool lining. Marcus agreed and proceeded to line his togas using the finest quality Kashmir lining.
And so, from that day forward, he could be heard loudly and proudly proclaiming throughout the marketplace,
"Kashmir in togas!" and business got better and better.
He shouted out his wares for sale, "Togas! - Finest Togas in all Rome!" he would shout, but alas, business was not good.
Finally, a friend suggested that since the weather was getting rather cold, he could increase business by lining he garments with a fine quality wool lining. Marcus agreed and proceeded to line his togas using the finest quality Kashmir lining.
And so, from that day forward, he could be heard loudly and proudly proclaiming throughout the marketplace,
"Kashmir in togas!" and business got better and better.
Fight
So I rear-ended a car this morning.... there we are alongs ide the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started . . .
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started . . .
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Dear Diary
DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the Deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored And had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with Him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and Champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice
All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.
DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the Deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored And had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with Him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and Champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY . DAY FIVE
Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again, I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.
DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Barbie
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home He remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19..95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers: Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends."
He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19..95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers: Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends."
Blondes
I urgently needed a few days off work.
But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?!"
She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark".
But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" Then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?!"
She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark".
An Amish lady
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"
"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"
THE ITALIAN LOAN
An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replied: "Minga, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replied: "Minga, where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
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