Beer Brothers

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

An Inspiring Picture.....

It is amazing that this photo, taken so many years ago, actually still exists!

And now someone has put it online for all of us to see. This INCREDIBLE picture was taken in 1918.

It is 18,000 men preparing for war at a training camp at Camp Dodge in Iowa .

His side vs her side

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.

Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.




'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock', the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

Bathtub test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how
do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window or the door?'

Hungry at the 2008 Olympics?? (pics)

When your wife doesnt listen... (vid)

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of
a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened
again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw
an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This
went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached
her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give
some of it to the church'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure
you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for
a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered. 'That's an honorable profession,
but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where
does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in
Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

Painting Job... (vid)

Why I didnt Make the Olympics (vid)

Female Drivers (vid)

Israeli Kinesset in session... (vid)

Weather Ebonics

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn 't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, thats too hard to understand. I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo'! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!

Google (pic)

Amazing story (vid)

BUSTED!! (vid)

Automated Phone Hell...

http://automatedphonehell.com

TV host get bit by snake (vid)

Smoking Russian Kid (vid)

Wanna play some ball?? (vid)

New Checkout Technology (vid)

Taxi Please... (vid)

Friday vs Monday (vid)

Must Gum Ad (vid)

Dad's Babysitting??? (vid)

Forgot something... (vid)

Balls to the Face (vid)

Drowning prank (vid)

Britney what?? (vid)

LOL!!

Beat Box (vid)

Police Prank (vid)

Mr Bean... (vid)

Funny clips (vid)

Small Man Comedy (vid)

New from Glade (vid)

How much do you weigh?? (vid)

Need a Job? (vid)

Skunk Prank (vid)

This is how you stop a goal!! (vid)

Hot Couple... (vid)

Hello I am... (pic)

How to put on a Bra (vid)

Snooze... (vid)

Amazing Guitar Duet (vid)

NY man loses prosthetic leg while skydiving

POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. - An upstate New York man says he's still upbeat despite losing the same leg twice. Scott Listemann told the Poughkeepsie Journal that he laughs about losing his foot and lower leg "both the first time and the second time." Poughkeepsie man lost his leg below the knee in a November, 2007 accident. Listemann, 47, lost his prosthetic leg last month while skydiving in upstate New York. The lower leg below the knee, with a foot clad in a running shoe, flew off after he jumped from the plane but before the parachute opened. Listemann says he's sure "it will show up eventually."Listemann has distributed flyers throughout upstate Gardiner and hopes someone will find his prosthetic leg and call him.

Contest

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are walking in the street when they come across a sign:

"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering," said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how was it?"

" First Place ", said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."

"I'm entering," says Superman and after half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How was it?"

" First Place ," answers Superman.

They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked,

"Who is this Clinton?" asked Pinocchio.

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with an expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago, and I still hadn't paid for them.

Well, hellloooo,........... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him exactly what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Drunk infiltrates team of firefighters

Firefighters called to a blaze at an apartment building in a southern
German town were astonished to discover a fully equipped extremely drunk
imposter in their ranks, police said on Thursday.

On hearing the alarm, the 38-year-old man had rushed to the fire
station, was helped into protective clothing and helmet by unsuspecting
firefighters and boarded the fire engine, a spokesman for Suedhessen
police said.

After arriving at the apartments, firefighters quickly realized the man
was an imposter and called the police, he added.
"When fire breaks out, it's all hands on deck!" the man told officers
when questioned about his motives. He was released without charge after
sobering up overnight in a police cell.

50 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than A Woman

At some point in time you’re going to wish you had a beer instead of a woman, and here’s the reasons why:

1: Beer doesn’t mind if you share it
2: You can enjoy a beer all day, every day
3: It’s OK to have a beer anytime of the month
4: A beer is always satisfying
5: You can take as many beers as you want home
6: Beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another
7: You can have a beer whenever you want
8: Beer can’t get pregnant
9: You can always trust your beer
10: It’s easy to get rid of beer you don’t want
11: You can’t catch STD’s from your own beer
12: Beer gets lighter the longer you hold it
13: Beer doesn’t grow hair in places it shouldn’t
14: It’s ok to go home with a different beer
15: Beer always looks good no matter the packaging
16: It’s ok to go to sleep when you’ve had a beer
17: Beer doesn’t complain how cold it is
18: Your last beer won’t fight with your new beer
19: You don’t have to talk to your beer
20: You know how much a beer costs when you get it
21: Beer doesn’t have interfering parents
22: A beer won’t mind if you lock it up
23: A beer doesn’t need to wash before it tastes good
24: You can’t get arrested for burying a beer
25: A beer isn’t embarrassing when you take it out
26: A beer doesn’t expect you to marry it
27: It’s OK to have a beer on the bus
28: A beer won’t file a divorce suit against you
29: When you have a beer you know what you’re getting
30: A beer wont cheat on you with another man
31: Beer doesn’t take hours for it to be ready
32: A beer doesn’t care how much you earn
33: A beer doesn’t care where you take it
34: A beer won’t call you when you’ve had enough
35: Beer doesn’t need an answer for everything
36: It’s not illegal to sell your beer to a friend
37: You don’t need to drive a beer to its friends house
38: A beer won’t tell you to change the channel
39: A beer is always wet
40: A beer always hits the spot
41: You can give unwanted beer away without hassle
42: Beer doesn’t complain when it goes flat
43: If the beer is poured correctly, you get good head
44: A beer won’t say to you, “does my ass look big in this”
45: You can sleep with as many beers as you want
46: Beer doesn’t expect you to buy it presents
47: Beer doesn’t bleed on a regular occurrence
48: You can do what you want with a beer
49: A beer won’t mind you going out with your friends
50: It’s OK to leave a beer outside in the cold

5 Year Old... (pic)

My five-year old students, are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked... 'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does...

'A-f-r-i-c-a-n Elephant'

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?