Monday, September 3, 2007
Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...
A lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She then looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She then looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Monday, August 20, 2007
Bout 20 Snarks
1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER? You boil the hell out of it.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? Dam.
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE? Polaroids.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK? A stick.
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? Nacho cheese.
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? Quatro sinko.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW? Spoiled milk.
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE? Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES? A nervous wreck.
11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS? Right where you left him.
12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP? Anyone can roast beef.
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS? Because they have big fingers.
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? Sanka.
16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER ?
The location of the Dirt Bag.
17. WHY DO PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.
18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes damn, whack.
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT? Unique up on it.
20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT Tame way, unique up on it.
21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS? Skeet.
22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP.
An Amish drive by shooting.
23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? Dam.
3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE? Polaroids.
4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK? A stick.
5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? Nacho cheese.
6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? Subordinate Clauses.
7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? Quatro sinko.
8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW? Spoiled milk.
9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE? Frostbite.
10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES? A nervous wreck.
11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS? Right where you left him.
12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP? Anyone can roast beef.
13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS? Because they have big fingers.
14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? Sanka.
16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER ?
The location of the Dirt Bag.
17. WHY DO PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.
18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes damn, whack.
19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT? Unique up on it.
20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT Tame way, unique up on it.
21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS? Skeet.
22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP.
An Amish drive by shooting.
23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
Southerners can be so polite!??!!!
This is a conversation between Air Traffic Control & a Saudi Pilot.
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.
Pause:.. ?
Static:.. ?
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"!?!
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY? GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.!?!
Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all becareful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- y'all hear?
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.
Pause:.. ?
Static:.. ?
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"!?!
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY? GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.!?!
Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all becareful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- y'all hear?
Panhandling
PAN HANDLING WORKS IF YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT SIGN
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only collects about 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I HAVE NO WORK, A WIFE & 6 KIDS"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I ONLY NEED ANOTHER $10 TO MOVE BACK TO MEXICO"
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos only collects about 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I HAVE NO WORK, A WIFE & 6 KIDS"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I ONLY NEED ANOTHER $10 TO MOVE BACK TO MEXICO"
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Older Folks
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
******************
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
*****************
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
****************
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
****************
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
**********************
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
******************
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
*****************
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
****************
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
****************
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."
I said, "Well, why are you crying?"
She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "
I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
**********************
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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