Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover itwas 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover itwas 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Women
Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear."And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear."And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"
At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."
Boys
Find out interesting things when you have sons, like... (and all men who are still like little boys)
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wear ing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin,TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wear ing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin,TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Prescription
Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now... You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Monday, August 13, 2007
Career Progression Techniques
Thought for the Day:
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here's a little maths that might prove helpful:
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you.
OLD CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Tattoo
This guy had what he thought was a great tattoo...
until he wound up in jail.Now he's... THE MOST POPULAR GUY IN PRISON
An old Marine
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his Awards and Decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Don't ya love military time?
Don't ya love military time?
Nudist colony
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and asks, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that, if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Later, the man continues to explore the colonies facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asks the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replies the newcomer. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist" May I help you?" she asks. The man yells, "Here's my membership card! You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." The man responds, "Listen, lady: I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. But I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful"
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful"
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
"That's what I said!"
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
Jonah
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that "JONAHH" was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if JONAH went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
The little girl stated that "JONAHH" was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if JONAH went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
Poor Rabbit
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it abath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um...er...no...what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um...er...no...what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
Cookie Monster
Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."
Men
A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"
The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."
The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."
BLONDES again
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T......Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T......Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Cowboy
The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"
"Well, rattler bit me one time."
"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Hell no. Damned varmint bit me on purpose."
"Ever have an accident?"
"Nope, nary a one."
"None? You've never had any accidents."
"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."
"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"
"Well, rattler bit me one time."
"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"
"Hell no. Damned varmint bit me on purpose."
Dog in Heat
A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for awalk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for awalk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Baby
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Qustions and Answers in court
These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.
Q : What is your date of birth?
A : July fifteenth.
Q : What year?
A : Every year.
******
Q : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A : Gucci sweats and Reeboks
******
Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A : Yes
Q : And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A : I forget.
Q : You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
*******
Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?
A : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q : How long has he lived with you?
A : Forty-five years.
*******
Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A : He said, "Cathy, Where am I?"
******
Q : And why did it upset you?
A : My name is Susan.
******
Q : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
******
Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
******
Q : Were you present at the time your picture was taken?
******
Q : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A : Yes
Q : And what were you doing at that time?
******
Q : She had three children, right?
A : Yes.
Q : How many were boys?
A : None.
Q : Were there any girls?
******
Q : How was your first marriage terminated?
A : By death.
Q : And by whose death was it terminated?
******
Q : Can you described the individual?
A : He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q : Was this a male, or a female?
******
Q : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A : No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.
******
Q : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
******
Q : All your responses must be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
A : Oral.
******
Q : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A : The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.
Q : And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
******
Q : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
******
Q : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A : No
Q : Did your check for blood pressure?
A : No
Q : Did your check for breathing?
A : No
Q : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A : No
Q : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A : Not unless he was out practicing law somewhere.
Clever old man
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, ...... forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares.
Life
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
1) Don't miss the boat.
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4) Stay fit.
When you're 600 years old, some one may ask you to do something really big.
5) Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed, float a while.
10) Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
11) No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
1) Don't miss the boat.
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4) Stay fit.
When you're 600 years old, some one may ask you to do something really big.
5) Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed, float a while.
10) Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
11) No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
Dancing
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their Rabbi for counseling. The Rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Rabbi. "It's forbidden."
Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the Rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man?
"No problem," ! says the Rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Rabbi. "It's forbidden."
Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the Rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man?
"No problem," ! says the Rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Another mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Rabbi."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
Blonde
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.........
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS" .
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is ok.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.........
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS" .
Children
Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated?
Here’s a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her seven year-old-daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.
Why, "you're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."
"You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."
Here’s a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her seven year-old-daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.
Why, "you're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."
"You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."
Ice Cream?
A fellow entered the Ice Cream Shop and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla" the blonde girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she shook her head and whispered, "just chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla."
"Chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla" the blonde girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she shook her head and whispered, "just chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla."
Attorney
An attorney went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Two story house
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says," I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'
"Because," the man says," I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'
BAD JOB!!!
I Hate My Job
When you've had an "I hate my job" day try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need topurchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson."
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print thereis a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"
Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."
Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours!
Redneck Humor
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver,
"Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
******
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
******
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
****
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
******
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
Documentaries
******
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas.
If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
******
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
*******
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
******
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
"Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
******
Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK. Ummmmm...five?"
******
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
******
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
****
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
******
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?
Documentaries
******
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas.
If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
******
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
*******
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
******
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
One Liners
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo machine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Elderly Couple
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies, "A Carnation?"
"No. No. The other one" the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph, as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,"I've got the airbag!"
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph, as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,"I've got the airbag!"
CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! . Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! . Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"
Blow Job
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money! Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised You?.... Here it comes !"
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.
"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money! Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised You?.... Here it comes !"
Barbie the Blonde
Over dinner, Barbie, the Blonde wife said to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a trouble- maker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" the husband asked, very concerned.
She replied, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."
"How did you meet this fellow?" the husband asked, very concerned.
She replied, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."
Birth Certificate
Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citizen.
I showed up with my driver's license and birth certificate.
The clerk looked at my driver's license and copied down some information. She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a long look.
"Is anything wrong?" I asked.
"Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."
I showed up with my driver's license and birth certificate.
The clerk looked at my driver's license and copied down some information. She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a long look.
"Is anything wrong?" I asked.
"Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."
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