Insurance...

Looking for terrorists-- SNL

Repeat after me .....

I WILL NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT MY JOB EVER AGAIN!!!

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passionbuilds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

To much work for a drink,, (vid)

Three Men And Their Wives

The first man married a woman that was French. He told her that she was to do the dishes and clean the house. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and> dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman that was Italian. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw that his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a woman that was Jewish. He ordered her> to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down, he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough so that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

Really gotta go....

Low Cut?

Jill was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too lowcut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?"

"No! Certainly NOT!!!"

"Then it's too low cut."

Perfect Day

For a woman:
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed; freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants....open presents--expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notice that she has gained 22 lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends; unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from "secret admirer"
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk; says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower---alone
10:50 Carried to bed; freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

For a Man
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast; steak and eggs, coffee, toast. All cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club; blow job en route
9:45 Play front nine; 2 under par
11:45 Lunch; steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine; 4 under par
2:15 Limo back to airport; several bourbons
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with nude, all-female crew who all bendover a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs) on light tackle
5:00 Fly home; massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
6:45 Shit, shower, and shave
7:00 Watch news; Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner; lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:30 Sex with three women, all of whom have lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed, alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

New Call Sign....

Could this be just coincidental, or does someone in the Military have an active sense of humor?

Observe, if you will, the new recognition number of 'Air Force One'.

43 years 2 months and 8 days

A 54 year old woman hada heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days tolive."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have aface-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

You may be Taliban if...................

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following: "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Photo of my Piggy Bank after buying Gasoline today

Contipation?

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanual, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore"

If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.

Caution: potential side effects may include feeling nauseous and/or vomiting.

Nice!!

Help your friendly neighborhood criminal... (vid)

Mt Rushmore (pic)

Ever wondered what the back of Mount Rushmore looked like??

Beer Please

Four leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin .'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid
says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

A Quick Sale

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars ."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send
him the money. So I did."

Gr8 Math (vid)

Tough Jeep (vid)

Toot Tone (vid)

Pay Attention (vid)

italian chewing gum (vid)

Nice Fireworks (vid)

oooops... (vid)

Toxic Waste (vid)

Text Message (vid)

Israel - could be dangerous (vid)

Amazing Pool Trix (vid)

WOW Someone is Flexible (vid)

Is this a Lakewood Driver??? (vid)

Someone has some luck!! (vid)

What not to do when you get stuck (vid)

How Not to Shoot... (vid)

Slow Down... (vid)

oooops or was that?? (vid)

McDonalds 24/7 (vid)

Stay Awake.. (vid)

Ouch (vid)

Damn Brothers (vid)

Do It in Private (vid)