Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,
sprinkled him; and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. "We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape. The Rabbi looks up and says,

"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Da Bull

There were two sisters, one blond and one brunette, and they inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides to buy it. The man tells her he will sell it for $599. No less.

After paying him she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I have bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out there so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'.'

The operator shakes his head, 'How is she going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive here to haul that bull back to the ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's a blonde, the word's big. She'll read it very slowly....
com-for-da-bull!

Why men are not allowed to write advice columns

Walter's Problem Page.

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and wor thless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.

I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk.

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

Bullshit and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.



You did notice the size of the print?

Today we are what??

Theres an airplane in the air & the pilot says its going to crash. The good news is that the plane can be landed, but the bad news is some people have to jump off first. The only fair way is to go in
alphabetical order by race as to who has to jump out first. The pilot says, Lets start with A. . . Are there any african americans on? No one raises a hand. He says ok next is B. . . Are there any blacks on the plane? No one raises their hand. He says a C. . . Are there any colored people on the plane? Still No one raises their hand. In the back of the plane sits a black family. The litte boy looks up a his dad and says, daddy aren't we all 3, african american, black and colored? The dad replies nope, son today were niggers, were lettin the mexicans go frst!

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually
admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Wal Mart.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't ch ange, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGH T FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What is this??

This is a 'Hill-Billy'

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son, said John, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

" We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." Said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Book Report

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:.... cost - $29.99
Clinton :..... cost - $29.99


Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton :..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:.... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton :..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:...... Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton :.... Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:.... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:...... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton :..... Monica....ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

WARNING FROM THE MIDDLE EAST

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's supply of convenience store managers, and possible candidates for President of the United States .

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps., and then Motel 6 managers.

It's getting ugly.

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS WEBSITE.
YOU'VE REQUESTED THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM. THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

HOW ABOUT THIS IDEA?

I don't know about you, but I know this would slow me down! I
see myself slowing down, trying to 'straddle' the hole, then
breathing again when I cleared it without hitting it! This is
actually a speed control device. Scroll down and look at all
three pictures. And much cheaper than speed camera's

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN
A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS
MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE
SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....

I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Heartwarming

A truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers.

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew began building a house on the empty lot.

The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on, and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted to her during their breaks and gave her little jobs to do to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl and her mother went to the bank to open her first savings account.

The teller was very impressed when told how the little girl had come by her first pay check at such a young age.

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again next week?'

'Sure,' said the little girl, 'if those assholes down at the fuckin' hardware store deliver the goddamn dry-walling on time.'

Amish farmer

An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen," which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English."

The Amish man says: "Use two hands. You'll get more."

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount
to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window
down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Compensation

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

You could have heard a pin drop.

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an
example of empire building' by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women
into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return
is enough to bury those that did not return.'

You could have heard a pin drop.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have heard a pin drop.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have heard a pin drop.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his
passport in his carry on.

'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously

Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'

The American said, ''The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.

'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!'

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'

You could have heard a pin drop.

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says..... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours.'

Most Old timers are helpful like that!

Bell 1... Bell 2...

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: 

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, 
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. 

"From now on when I say BELL 1 I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2 I want you to jump in bed.
When I say BELL 3 we are going to make love all night. 

The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. 

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!" 

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband? 

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."  

SEVEN STAGES OF SEX......!!!!!!!

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex,
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex,
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

Water

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to
find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish
man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it. The Arab said,
"My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"The Jew replied, "I
have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one
goes very nicely with your robes."The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need
your overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that
hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later
the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table. The Jew said, "I
told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that hill.
Could you not find it?"

"I found it," rasped the Arab. "But your brother wouldn't let me in without
a tie."

It's My Funeral

As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the
family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a
real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order
fifty limos."

Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll
have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us."

They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll
surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens."

Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet,
that's enough."

Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the
bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery."

Personal Injury Lawyer

I was taking the train to go visit a personal injury lawyer. I called
them and asked, "Can you give me directions from the train station to
your office?"

"When you get to the station, just walk outside, lie down on the
sidewalk and start yelling. Someone from our office will be along
shortly."

Tired Son

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a
moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a
break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father
must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll
give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like
just as soon as I get this hay off him."

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct her/him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

An interview with an 80 Year Old Woman

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

What Smells?

Maxine took her car to her mechanic.
She told him "Every time I
Take any of my friends out in my car,
After a while there is this terrible smell !! .
It never happens when I am driving alone"??

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said,
"OK, lets go for a spin
And see what the problem is." Off they went.
She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction
At 70 MPH, swerving,
Hitting the curb on both sides of the street,
Narrowly missed three pedestrians in
Pedestrian crossings,
Ran several red lights,
And just missed a
Policeman on street traffic duty.
Then, they returned to the shop, and she said,
"There it is now.
there's that terrible smell! Can you smell it?"

"Smell it?
Lady, I'm sittin' in it!!

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced one-teen?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "THEIRS"?

Is it Friday yet?? (pic)

Stop Yelling Across the House (pic)

Hillary & the Little Girl

Hillary is taking a stroll when she comes upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious. HIllary asks the girl, "What's in the basket?" She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show her. "How nice," says Hillary. "What kind are they?" The little girl says, "Democrats." Hillary smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on. Three weeks later, Hillary is taking another stroll, this time with Bill. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Hillary says, "Watch this, Bill; it's really cute." They approach the little girl. Hillary greets the little girl and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine." Then, smirking, she nudges Bill with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?" She replies, "Republicans" Abashed, Hillary says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Democrats!" "I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open

Hillary Special.. (pic)