Cartoons...

Random Pics

Sex Watch (pic)

Problem with fake teeth.. (pic)

I want you... (pic)

Rollar Coaster (pic)

Would you go on this??

You named it What??? (pic)

Would you use this bathroom? (pic)

Jimmy!@#$% (pic)

Eating Disorder (pic)

Kids (pic)

Fathers Day (pic)

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

A lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She then looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Bout 20 Snarks

1. HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER? You boil the hell out of it.

2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL? Dam.

3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE? Polaroids.

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK? A stick.

5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS? Nacho cheese.

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS? Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND? Quatro sinko.

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW? Spoiled milk.

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE? Frostbite.

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES? A nervous wreck.

11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS? Right where you left him.

12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP? Anyone can roast beef.

13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS? Because they have big fingers.

14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE? Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC? Sanka.

16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER ?
The location of the Dirt Bag.

17. WHY DO PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.

18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes damn, whack.

19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT? Unique up on it.

20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT Tame way, unique up on it.

21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS? Skeet.

22. WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP.
An Amish drive by shooting.

23. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Southerners can be so polite!??!!!

This is a conversation between Air Traffic Control & a Saudi Pilot.

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.

Pause:.. ?

Static:.. ?

Saudi Air: "ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"!?!

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY? GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.!?!

Atlanta ATC: Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all becareful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- y'all hear?

Panhandling

PAN HANDLING WORKS IF YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT SIGN


Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.

Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos only collects about 2 to 3 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I HAVE NO WORK, A WIFE & 6 KIDS"

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I ONLY NEED ANOTHER $10 TO MOVE BACK TO MEXICO"

Older Folks

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

******************

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

*****************
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

****************
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

****************

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. "

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

**********************

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said: "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover itwas 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Women

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear."And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning... You don't."

Boys

Find out interesting things when you have sons, like... (and all men who are still like little boys)
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wear ing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin,TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Prescription

Sarah walked into a pharmacy and told the pharmacist that she needed some cyanide. The Pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" Sarah then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license; they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Sarah reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed... with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now... You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Career Progression Techniques

Thought for the Day:

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. Here's a little maths that might prove helpful:

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the top.

But, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know what is required of you.

OLD CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Birth Control

Tattoo

This guy had what he thought was a great tattoo...

until he wound up in jail.Now he's... THE MOST POPULAR GUY IN PRISON

An old Marine

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his Awards and Decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Don't ya love military time?

Nudist colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and asks, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that, if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Later, the man continues to explore the colonies facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asks the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replies the newcomer. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist" May I help you?" she asks. The man yells, "Here's my membership card! You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." The man responds, "Listen, lady: I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. But I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father."

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?

"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"

Jonah

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that "JONAHH" was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if JONAH went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Poor Rabbit

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it abath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um...er...no...what happened?"

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"

Cookie Monster

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."

Gotta love our Navy troops

Men

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"

The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

BLONDES again

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F. It means Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T......Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Cowboy

The cowboy was trying to buy an insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't never had one. Never."

"That's hard to believe. No accidents at all?"

"Well, rattler bit me one time."

"Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Hell no. Damned varmint bit me on purpose."

How to pay for the war...

Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for awalk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Baby

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Qustions and Answers in court

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are excellent - don't miss the last one.

Q : What is your date of birth?

A : July fifteenth.

Q : What year?

A : Every year.

******

Q : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A : Gucci sweats and Reeboks

******

Q : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A : Yes

Q : And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A : I forget.

Q : You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

*******

Q : How old is your son, the one living with you?

A : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q : How long has he lived with you?

A : Forty-five years.

*******

Q : What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A : He said, "Cathy, Where am I?"

******

Q : And why did it upset you?

A : My name is Susan.

******

Q : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

******

Q : The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

******

Q : Were you present at the time your picture was taken?

******

Q : So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A : Yes

Q : And what were you doing at that time?

******

Q : She had three children, right?

A : Yes.

Q : How many were boys?

A : None.

Q : Were there any girls?

******

Q : How was your first marriage terminated?

A : By death.

Q : And by whose death was it terminated?

******

Q : Can you described the individual?

A : He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q : Was this a male, or a female?

******

Q : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A : No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

******

Q : Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

******

Q : All your responses must be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

A : Oral.

******

Q : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A : The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.

Q : And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?

A : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

******

Q : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

******

Q : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A : No

Q : Did your check for blood pressure?

A : No

Q : Did your check for breathing?

A : No

Q : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A : No

Q : How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A : Not unless he was out practicing law somewhere.

Clever old man

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, ...... forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares.

Life

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...

1) Don't miss the boat.

2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.

3) Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

4) Stay fit.
When you're 600 years old, some one may ask you to do something really big.

5) Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

6) Build your future on high ground.

7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8) Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

9) When you're stressed, float a while.

10) Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

11) No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

Dancing

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their Rabbi for counseling. The Rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Rabbi. "It's forbidden."

Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the Rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man?

"No problem," ! says the Rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"

Blonde

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is ok.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.........

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS" .

Mouse

Passwords

Children

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated?

Here’s a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her seven year-old-daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.

Why, "you're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."

"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."

"You what?"

And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

Ice Cream?

A fellow entered the Ice Cream Shop and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"

"Chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla" the blonde girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

"Do you have laryngitis?" the man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she shook her head and whispered, "just chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla."

Attorney

An attorney went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"

Army of the Lord

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

Two story house

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says," I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

BAD JOB!!!

I Hate My Job

When you've had an "I hate my job" day try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need topurchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson."

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print thereis a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times:"I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company."

Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours!

Redneck Humor

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver,

"Got any ID?"

The driver says, "'Bout what?"

******

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?"

"Jes' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"

"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"

"OK. Ummmmm...five?"

******
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

******

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

****

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

******

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?

Documentaries

******

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas.

If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

******

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

*******

A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

******

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

One Liners

What's the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.

Who has the biggest boobs? The blonde, because she's 18

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're really ugly?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?

When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom's have Mother's day, Dad's have Fathers day, what do single guys have?

Palm Sunday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?

Her navel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

Bingo machine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did God create alcohol?

So ugly people could have sex, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?

A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

Row, row, row your boat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairy tale?

A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Elderly Couple

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "A Carnation?"

"No. No. The other one" the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The Poppy?"

"Nahhhh," growls the man, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.

He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Divorce

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph, as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,"I've got the airbag!"

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! . Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

Blow Job

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Herman, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Herman, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Herman, that emerald necklace you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money! Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised You?.... Here it comes !"

Barbie the Blonde

Over dinner, Barbie, the Blonde wife said to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a trouble- maker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" the husband asked, very concerned.

She replied, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."

Birth Certificate

Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citizen.

I showed up with my driver's license and birth certificate.

The clerk looked at my driver's license and copied down some information. She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a long look.

"Is anything wrong?" I asked.

"Yes," she said. "I can't find the expiration date."

Aunt Karen

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral to it. The next day the kids came back andone by one began telling their stories.

Most of them were the usual "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," or"don't count your chickens before they're hatched," variety until the teacher asked little Michael to tell his story.

"My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen," he began.

"Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 2 bottles of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands!"

Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

" Stay the fuck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"

Aunt Emma

A couple's happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma. For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old lady died.

On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years. His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!

Ahkmed the Arab

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick!"

Blondes

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said; "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" She hung up. The husband asked; "who was that?" The wife answered; "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and bends down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says "Let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out to buy a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says "OK, what's the capital of Arkansas?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: A."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was all about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said: "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

Seventh Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."

A BONUS
A woman was walking along a creek and saw a blonde walking on the other bank. She called over to the blonde, "Hey, how do I cross over to the other side?" The blonde replied, "You ARE on the other side!"

------
How can you tell if a blonde has used your computer? There's whiteout on the monitor screen.

Only Son

Rabbi Greenberg is sitting alone in the sanctuary of his synagogue-- crying. He is clutching a prayer book in his hands and a closely written sheet of paper; tears are streaming down his upturned face, and sobs heave from him tearingly.

"Why, Lord?" he cries out. "Why did this have to happen? How could my son, my ONLY son, destroy me like this? My--my only son--he converted to Christianity!"

And a great voice booms down from the heavens: "YOURS, TOO?"

Prayers

A man decided that it was time to teach his son how to say prayers, so he spent a few nights teaching the son the basics.

After the kid had learned them well enough to say on his own, the father instructed him that after he was done with the prayers each night, he was to choose someone special and ask for God's blessing for that person.

Well, little kids don't always realize that their pets aren't a person, so the first night the little boy said his prayers, he ended with "And God, please bless my puppy."

The guy thought that it was pretty cute. However, the next morning the little dog ran out the door and was killed by a car.

That night the little kid asked God to bless his cat when the prayers were finished. And, sure enough, the next morning the cat slipped out and took on the biggest dog in the neighborhood and became breakfast.

The father had started to make a connection here, but decided that it was just coincidence. But when the kid asked God to bless his goldfish, the father couldn't wait for morning so that he could check up on it.

As soon as he looked in the bowl, he saw the fish floating upside down on the top. That night the little kid ended with "God, please give an extra special blessing to my father."

The father couldn't sleep. He couldn't eat breakfast in the morning. He was afraid to drive to work. He couldn't get any work done because he was petrified.

Finally quitting time came and he walked home, expecting to drop dead any minute. When he arrived home, the house was a mess. His wife was lying on the couch still dressed in her robe. The dishes from breakfast were still on the table and the father was furious.

He started yelling at his wife, telling her that he had had the worst day of his life and she hadn't even gotten dressed.

She looked at him and said, "Shut up! My day was worse. The mailman had a heart attack on our front porch!"

Horse Racing

While a preacher was trying to raise money for his parish, he found out there was a great deal of money to be made in the horse racing business.

To his dismay, he discovered at the horse auction that the prices of horses were too steep and all he could afford was a donkey, which he bought.

Determined to make money for his parish, he entered his donkey in a race and to everyone's surprise finished third.

The next day, the newspaper headline read: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The following week the preacher again entered the race and this time won!

The newspaper headline read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

Annoyed by this kind of publicity, the preacher's Bishop suggested that the preacher not continue this activity.

The headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

After reading the paper the Bishop demanded that the preacher get rid of the donkey.

The preacher gave the donkey to a Nun in the local convent.

The headlines read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

When he recovered from the shock, the Bishop ordered the nun to sell the donkey.

When it was discovered that the Nun sold the donkey to a farmer for $10.00 the headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

Vacation

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Grace got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Grace got pregnant again."

Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"

Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Grace with me..."

Catholic Hospital Stay

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Bates I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing by and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

Middle East

NO WONDER THE MIDDLE EAST IS DEEP IN SHIT...

Don't worry

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.

If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.

Irish Drunks

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why, of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland ," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland ."

"Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland ?"

" Dublin ," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to
Dublin ."

"Of course."

The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

Cheap...

Molly and Abe had just left a party and Molly was driving them home. She makes a few turns and then is on a street that is headed down hill when she realizes her brakes are not working. Molly is pressing the brake pedal as hard as she can, but to no avail. The car continues to gather speed.

"Oy Vey," she wails, "Abe, what should I do, what should I do?"

"For God's sake," Abe screams. "Hit something cheap!"

Divorce

It was a bitterly contested divorce hearing, and after three weeks of bitter acrimony, the judge was ready to hand down his decision.

The judge said, "Mr. Johnson, after hearing both sides of the case, we find that you are at fault, and therefore the court will give your wife alimony at six hundred dollars a month."

Johnson replied, "Thanks, your Honor. And to show I'm not such a bad guy, I'll throw in a hundred myself."

Kids

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!

Shredder

The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary walking by asked.

"Yes," he replied "how do you work this thing?"

"Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder.

"Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out?

Bulletproof

The speaker at the bank's drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and the tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with their frustrated customers.

One day a sweet elderly lady who would come every week pulled up to the window, leaned out, and smacked the glass in front of the teller's face. "I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled.

There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so the teller was touched by her concern. "It is," She yelled back.

"Good," she continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that speaker fixed!"

$5000

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000. in a safety competition . "What are you going to do with the prize money" the officer asked. "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license" answered the driver. At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in "Officer don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk". This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop blurted out "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car". A split second later there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked "are we over the border yet?".

ID ten T error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten Terror? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

Speeding

A middle-aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a New York State Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and floored it some more, flying down the road at over 100mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man."Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 13 minutes and today is Friday the thirteenth. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Trooper, and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.

"The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day, sir."

Baby Planes

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask thef light attendant. So, the little boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said, "Tell your mother it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

Lessons?

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladiesare hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those f*cking lessons I took this winter didn't

One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead

Short? Tall?

A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, 'bout One-sixty-five." he says.

The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"Oh, 'bout six feet," he says.

The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.

"High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, durnit, I'm short and fat!"

Mexican Earthquake

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

The European community is sending food and money.

The United States is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America

Customer Service

If you have ever had to deal with a major corporation's customer service then you will really appreciate this.

My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:"...excuse me .....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBan k: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."

Me: "Oh..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"

Math Proficiency Exam

LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL
MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids can use in real-world situations!

NAME____________________

GANG/CREW NAME______________ CRIB_________________

1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?

2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought f or $40,000 to make a 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit ?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how much tagging can be sprayed with three 8 oz. Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang.. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Beer Quotes:

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.
-- W.C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-- Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Gale

2nd opinion

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rarec ondition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left thehospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit.

"The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself inthe mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2neck."

Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

"New suit - $400

New shirt - $36

New underwear - $6

Second Opinion - PRICELESS